Mom Has Traitor Son Arrested for 'Stealing' Her Coveted Pop-Tarts

We’ve all had those urges to take a few bites out of our roommate’s food. You’re hankering for some Oreos, but it’s raining outside and the Bad Girls Club season finale is about to start. You’re home alone, staring at your pantry, wishing that you somehow could get one, just one, Oreo cookie to magically appear in your hand. Suddenly, you glance at your roommate’s shelf. Behind her boxes of weird Kashi things and gigantic bag of quinoa lies the holy grail: a package of double stuffed Oreos. What’s the harm in taking one? It’s only one cookie. She won’t mind right? And before you have even fully grasped the moral implications of pilfering double stuffed cookies, it’s in your mouth and, oh god, it’s too late. You could hang your head in shame, or cheerfully run over the couch and watch the delectable drama of the Bad Girls Club with black cookie crumbs stuck in your teeth.

Perhaps this was the reasoning behind one North Carolina boy’s great misdeed. Crazy with hunger and lulled into a false sense of safety in his own home, he decided to snack on another tasty treat of processed sugar: Pop-Tarts. Only instead of getting away with the perfect crime, the boy was caught in the act by his mother, who then proceeded to overreact to the point that she called Charlotte police and had her own son arrested. No, I did not stutter. She called the police. And had him. Arrested.

The 37-year-old mother’s neighbor, Fred Patrick, reportedly “could not stop laughing” when he heard the news. “He seems real nice to me,” Patrick said of the boy. “I mean, he is real respectful.” Imagine the shock of discovering that your sweet, all-American boy next door is secretly a Pop-Tart thief. The horror! One day you’re having him mow your lawn, the next day reporters are asking you if you saw it coming. What a world we live in, huh?

The boy’s mother, who was undoubtedly in no emotional state to speak to the public after having to report her own child for the heinous crime he committed, was said to emerge briefly from her house to scream obscenities at reporters, then turned around and slammed the door. There’s an immense amount of guilt and shame that goes along with coming to the realization that you have not only birthed, but raised, a total monster. For now, the boy has been charged with a larceny/misdemeanor.

Was it worth it? If it was one of those red velvet Pop-Tarts, I’d say yes — when those babies are chilled in the freezer for a few hours, I’d risk imprisonment to eat one too.