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Missing Children, New Love: Romance Tabloid Style!

  • Need a date? Having a missing and/or murdered child just might be the matchmaking trick to try! JonBenet Ramsay's father John and Natalee Holloway's mother Beth are dating. We're too traumatized by this news to comment further. [FoxNews]
  • OK, so the National Jewish Medical Research Center says that test results from the dude with TB show that he's "relatively noncontagious." We remain skeptical [That'd be Gerson, btw. -Ed.], but we assume our neurotic Jewish brethren wouldn't be saying this unless they were like super super sure. [CNN]
  • More medical news: Sudden Arrhythmic Death Syndrome (SADS) is taking a rapid and violent toll on the under-35 population in the UK. Great, something new for us to convince ourselves we have... [BBC]
  • But if TB or SADS doesn't kill us, Russian missiles will. Cold War: Take 2! [NYT]
  • More depressing than any of the above possible causes of death is the thought of Rosie O'Donnell chronicling her year on The View. Just when we start to move forward in our mourning process, the wounds are re-opened. [USA Today]
  • Angelina Jolie (it's her birthday today by the way) gets a tat for not-hubby Brad Pitt. Angie! Do you not read magazines??? You and Brad are totes on the brink of breaking up! Now's not the time to start inscribing yet another ex's name on your body! [Yeeeah!]
  • Angie's brother/lover James Haven explains that his sis isn't scary thin because she's pro-ana, but because running all over the world collecting babies made her feel guilty about going to a restaurant and ordering food. Obviously. [Star]
  • 11 U.S. casualties identified today. [DoD]

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wait, i thought Angie wasn't eating because she was still mourning the death of her mother? LIES!! ALL LIES!