Miss Universe Organizer Says Pageant Is So Not Rigged

Illustration for article titled Miss Universe Organizer Says Pageant Is So Not Rigged

After claiming to have witnessed someone else witness evidence that this year's Miss USA pageant was merely a choose your own adventure book in which all the endings are exactly the same, former Miss Pennsylvania Sheena Monnin is facing accusations of pageantry defamation and some pseudo legal trouble.


The New York-based Miss Universe Organization filed a claim with a dispute resolution company over Monnin's whistleblowing earlier this week that she played an abbreviated game of whisper down the lane with Miss Florida, who she's almost positive said something along the lines of, "This pageant is rigged," but was probably more like, "The Donald is bewigged." Monnin posted on Facebook that Miss Florida (Karina Brez) told her that she saw a list revealing that the top five finishers in last Sunday's Miss USA pageant had been selected before the pageant's broadcast appropriately from the city best known for magic shows, glitzy facades, and gambling machines, Las Vegas. The soon-to-be-former Miss Pennsylvania then explained that she had "voluntarily, completely, and utterly" broken with the pageant, sanctimoniously adding, "In good conscience I can no longer be affiliated in any way with an organization I consider to be fraudulent, lacking in morals, inconsistent, and in many ways trashy."


The Miss Universe people are irked that Monnin has made what they characterize as "ongoing defamatory statements" about the credibility of their pageant and, according to lawyer Scott Balber, are seeking an undisclosed amount of money for all the grief Monnin has caused. Though Monnin insists with all the sincerity of the last surviving mariner of the Pequod that, "I know what I heard, and I know what I in turn witnessed come true based on what the contestant said she saw," Brez has released a statement claiming that she was just joking about the list and that Monnin's impoverished sense of dry, witless humor led her to believe in a massive Miss Universe conspiracy.

Earlier this week, pageant organizers released the text of Monnin's official resignation email, which, though it didn't specifically mention concerns of pageant rigging, had an awful lot to say about Monnin being upset that pageant organizers admitted a transgender contestant into the competition. In a Friday interview on Today, Monnin didn't deny that the transgender issue played a role in her resignation, but she continued to insist that contest was a sham and that the people of these United States deserved a better pageant than the bikini parade Donald Trump conceived in a fever dream.

Miss Universe pageant fights back on rigging claim [AP]

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Sure, it's not rigged. It's a totally honest competition where the prettiest, most popular girl gets prizes for being the prettiest and most popular. Granted, that would be the textbook definition of rigged in every single other endeavor in the world, but hey, ultra-rich guys have to have some way of finding trophy wives to stick their wrinkled-up, floppy peeners in.

Someday maybe we'll evolve past human horse shows. Maybe not. I can dream.