Welcome to Midweek Madness, our weekly orgy of ill-fated hookups, grand philanthropic gestures and other celebphemera. In which we "read" the Wednesday celebrity tabloids. So you don't "have" to.

Like all Wednesday tabs, InTouch gets 'put to bed', so to speak, on Monday night, after which point they really can't make up any more news. So we were surprised — heartened, maybe? — to see that in the event of an Unspeakable Tragedy, the staff of InTouch will stay at the office all hours to fabricate news about totally unfamous people. In a People-esque move, InTouch fronts the Virginia Tech killing spree (which happened Monday morning), names the killer (happened Tuesday), and explains that his real motive was to kill the new boyfriend of his old girlfriend (note to self: Google this) The four-page spread, which sports the usual timeline, sad pictures, etc., is not the detail-rich, 29-byline salute you can expect in Thursday's People, but on the other hand, it's faster, cheaper, and, according to a story in today's Women's Wear Daily informed with exclusive quotes from an inside source — the features editor's brother works at Virginia Tech.

By comparison, cover stories by in Star and Life & Style about Brangelina seem kind of ... meh, with Star spicing up its Angelina-is-too-independent-blah-blah conventional-wisdom with a "Worldwide Exclusive" that Shiloh may have been a mistake— the psychic root of the infamous "blob" comment exposed! — and L&S portraying a change in the power dynamic between the couple since an April 6 fight during which Brad told Angie she wasn't the woman he fell in love with. Interestingly, Angelina is not reported to have cried during the fight — though there were "tears in her eyes." A breakthrough?

Meanwhile US fronts the breakup of Prince William and Kate Middleton, which was apparently the result of some sort of snooty aristocratic Diana-motivated conspiracy against the poor middle-upper-class lass and lots of other British shit we don't care about. But US makes up for it with their divine interview with Hills lovebirds Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, who are so vapid they may actually be really deep:

Pratt: I have never been so madly in love as I am with Heidi. She has the world's greatest boyfriend!


And that's it for our first look. More Midweek Madness to come!