Illustration for article titled [Michelles Momma] Dont Practice Santeria/ [She] Aint Got No Crystal Ball

You cannot make this shit up. Wonkette cracked on a birther's hastily written Townhall screed which accused Michelle Obama's mother of practicing witchcraft at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The birther wrote back, apparently trying to hit a triple-crazy-score.

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In a letter to the editors - in which I am surprised she did not write "I want my country back!" - Kristen Atkinson writes things that make me snicker.

Dear Wonkette editors,

I posted a very serious article recently in Townhall.com about witchcraft in the White House, and later realized that your website had made a farce out of it.

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"Very serious article" and "Townhall" are not two things that go together. That is like Cheetos and spaghetti noodles.

I saw that your staff and readers made a lot of extremely cruel comments about me and my story. Why are you people so rude? Does anybody take anything seriously anymore?

You haven't been on the internet long, have you?

Do you really, truly, seriously think it is OK for a president to use a forged birth certificate?

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B...

Do you actually believe it is appropriate for a man who was raised a Muslim to pretend he is a Christian and go to a church for 20 years with an anti-American preacher?

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I, N...

Do you really want a president who was brainwashed by communists since he was a child, up through university, to hate America to be our president?

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G, O!! BINGO! I need a fresh score card! Oh wait, she's not done?

Do you think that it is fine if a family member of the president defiles the White House with voodoo?

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I'm sure far worse has gone down in the Lincoln bedroom.

Don't you know what fate could befall our nation as a result of allowing Satanic forces to gather over the White House?

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Umm...we join their side to ask for protection against Lord Voldemort? I'll trade that devil we don't know for the devil we do...

After 8 years of a president sent by God to lead the American people

Hmm...I'm not really religious but I do recall something about false idols? Did the golden calf thing have big ears?

and rescue us from the horrors of 911 and Islamo-fascists,

So we can resume screaming about a woman bearing her legs in shorts.

it now boils down to this? How incredibly tragic. You folks don't really seem to understand the extreme peril that our nation confronts.

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Obviously, we're residing on different nations. Different planets even!

Stop making fun of me.

Or I'm telling my mom! GAWD!

Take off your blinders! Wake up!

Nah, I think you need to stop mixing up your red pills and blue pills.

I need a political detox, so I've decided to have a sing-along. Today's selection will be "Santeria," by Sublime:

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(Wait a minute? Deebo's in this video?)

Sing with me!

[Michelle's Momma] Don't Practice Santeria
She Ain't Got No Crystal Ball
[Obama planned] a [trillion] dollars, but I
I'd spend it all
If I could find some [health care]...

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Alright, y'all finish this up, I'm going to grab a Scotch.

What a week.

Is Barack Obama's Mother-In-Law A Black Witch? [Wonkette]
After 8 years of a president sent by God to lead the American people and rescue us from the horrors of 911 and Islamo-fascists, it now boils down to this?' [Wonkette]
Redpill [Wikipedia]
Santeria [Youtube]

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Earlier:

They Think They're Mad About Healthcare?
Sarah Palin Calls Out Death Eaters to Deal With Fake Death Panels
Michelle Obama Seen Wearing Shorts - Newsreel at 10

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DISCUSSION

I'm laughing so hard at this, and I know that at this point it's sort of like shooting stupid-fish in a lie-barrel, but I can't resist. I wonder what crazytron shit they're going to accuse the president of next? Being a Frankenstein? Having vampire children? Maybe Sasha is really like Damian from The Omen and she's controlling the economy with her mind control powers? Michelle and Barack are maybe the same person? Perhaps Bo the Dog is really a rabid Hell Canine? Maybe the Obamas have a time machine and they used it to go back in time and kill Jesus, but also to plant fake fossils so that scientists would find them and disprove creationism? What next? Uh... Rahm Emanuel is a werewolf. Universal Healthcare will force all of us to eat our pets? The White House is being transformed into a secret zombie lab?