Michele Bachmann's High-Heeled Headache

This week, a former staffer of Republican Presidential nominee hopeful Michele Bachmann revealed that the Minnesota Congresswoman occasionally suffers from stress headaches so severe that she’s occasionally been incapacitated by them for days at a time. As a result, America’s most well dressed homophobe takes a cocktail of pain medications to control her once-weekly attacks. Naturally, her opponents are seizing this opportunity to point out that having a President who becomes so stressed out that she is unable to function during moments of crisis might not bode too excellently for the future of the Republic.

Bachmann’s firing back, claiming that her headaches are under control, a non-issue, and that she doesn’t rely on dozens of pills in order to stay functional. She also blamed high heeled shoes for her migraines, which doesn’t make sense on a couple of counts — first, because experts say that high-heeled shoes do not cause migraines (experts also say that homosexuality is not something that can be cured, but I digress), and second, because if your shoes are incapacitating you for days at a time, then why are you still wearing them? Wouldn’t the simplest, most Tea Party Expressy common sense train salt of the earth solution to just wear flats sometimes?

Headgate has gotten far enough out of hand that Bachmann’s son, a medical resident at the University of Connecticut, has been asked to comment, and Bachmann herself issued the following statement,

“Let me be abundantly clear — my ability to function effectively has never been impeded by migraines and will not affect my ability to serve as commander in chief,” Mrs. Bachmann, Republican of Minnesota, said in a statement. She described the headaches as “easily controlled with medication.”

For once, Bachmann’s on the right track. Her debilitating headaches should not convince anyone that she wouldn’t be a fit president; her overwhelming stupidity and debilitating myopia should.