Michele Bachmann Tells Tale of a Faraway Land Where All Ladies Love Mitt Romney

Illustration for article titled Michele Bachmann Tells Tale of a Faraway Land Where All Ladies Love Mitt Romney

For a time after she withdrew from the presidential race, our favorite quote-generating maniac Michele Bachmann fell silent. It was a dark time for America, but thankfully she has emerged from the shadows and is once again letting her special brand of perma-smiled sun shine across this great land. She's making the rounds in support of the Great White Republican Hope, Mittens Romney, and boy has she come out swinging. Today she appeared on Face the Nation and declared that not only are women totally in love with Mitt Romney, they've always been huge fans of the GOP. All aboard! Next stop: Delusionville.


Bob Schieffer, who during this interview proved himself to be the most patient man ever created, started things off by asking why MittBott3000 is not reaching women. But, of course, we all know that's not really the case, according to MickeyB:

The myth is there is a Republican war on women. There's not a Republican war on women. That's coming from the Obama reelection team.

Oh, it is? Wow, that is so smart of them to somehow get inside the Republican party and force them to adopt all kinds of positions which are incredibly anti-woman. Well played, Obama campaign Lie Machine.

Bob Schieffer then had the audacity to point out that the myth must be working because all the polls show Romney is way behind with women. But Michele knows it's silly to look at current polls when you can look backwards to a history that never even existed:

If you look at the 2010 election, women went Republican. They didn't go Democrat, and they will this time as well, because women are more concerned about the economy and jobs for themselves, for their husband, for their children, and that's not happened because Obama's broken his promises.

Oookay, but if you look at the 2010 election data, the split was actually totally even. Republicans and Democrats both captured 49 percent of the lady vote. That's why it's extra painful when later in the interview she doubles down and says of the 2010 vote, "Women overwhelmingly went Republican and threw out a woman speaker." Oy.

Here's the thing though, guys, it totally doesn't even matter what happened in the past because women have brains and can do whatever they want in the future, according to Bachmann:

Women aren't stupid. Women are very capable. They're intelligent. They're competent, and women want to know we're going to have jobs created.


OMG, that is seriously the NICEST thing anyone has ever said about me. Thanks, Meesh; you totally get us. And it turns out she gained this insight at the gas station in Anoka, Minnesota. How positively folksy. You see while she was there pumping gas (did she get a new job?), all women could talk about was how doggone expensive car juice is these days, which taught Michele a big lesson about ladyfolk:

They deal with price of gas. They deal with price of groceries, and they know if they've got a job or not.


That's what comes from being so intelligent and competent: we know whether we are employed! (I am! Do I get a prize?) You know what else comes from having brains and caring about the economy? Knowing that Mitt Romney will be about as good for our economy as chewing gravel is for your teeth.

Anyway, Schieffer, who at this point must have been on the verge of an aneurysm from holding in all of his frustration with her "logic," points out YET AGAIN that whatever she may think about women and how they operate, the polls don't show that women are falling in behind Romney. But do you think that breaks the shiny marble façade of Michele's face? It does not, because according to Michele, polls are just "a snapshot" and "another myth of the campaign trail." Yowza. It truly takes a special someone to deploy the word myth in an effort to wipe away approximately one gazillion statistically sound polls that have determined that women have no plans to vote for Mitt Romney en masse. Kudos to you, Michele on your extremely competent and capable deployment of logic here—you really do a service to us women. Speaking of women, let's get back to what they really want, in Michele's twisted brain, at least. They want competence, and you can have one guess as to where she thinks they'll find that:

With all due respect to the president, he's not competent to deal with the economy. Mitt Romney is competent in spades.


If you believe that—which is hard since we all remember that she spent the first few months of this year trying to convince us that Romney was the most incompetent creature on Earth—you might also be interested in the nonsensical rant she delivers against Obamacare at the end of the interview. Otherwise, this concludes today's trip to Michele Bachmann's Wonderful World of Lies. Don't forget to take off your safety belts as you exit the ride, and be sure to grab a brochure for Romney's Zany House of Cards on your way out the door.


Bachmann: "Women want competence" [CBS]
Bachmann Rewrites History, Claims Women ‘Overwhelmingly' Voted GOP in 2010 [Think Progress]



This is a minor complaint compared to all of the idiocy spouted above ("women know whether they have a job or not"...O RLY?) but I'm annoyed by most Republicans' conviction that a woman's vote is always associated with the price of gas and the price of groceries. Like, wtf? Do men not eat? Do men not fill up their cars with fuel? Where is this imaginary world where only women care about the cost of gas and groceries?

And besides that, I'd much rather pay more money for gas if in return I GET TO CONTROL THE HAPPENINGS OF MY UTERUS.