Michele Bachmann Rides In on Her Crazy Horse to Warn Us That Obama Kills Babies

Illustration for article titled Michele Bachmann Rides In on Her Crazy Horse to Warn Us That Obama Kills Babies

Have you felt a hole in your heart lately? Is it, by any chance, in the shape of Michele Bachmann? Her particular brand of crazy has been sadly absent from our lives since she abandoned her campaign for president. And, frankly, we've all gotten a little lost without her. Don't get me wrong, we've still got plenty of crazy people around, but the debate over things like contraception has almost—almost—seemed a little too rational. So much so that many people are saying the conservatives have bungled it and are losing their attempted "War on Women" But don't worry, Michele is back to save the day, and she's got a doozy of an idea to revive the Republican side of this debate.

She appeared on Glenn Beck's online TV show, Real News From The Blaze, a legitimate sounding news source if there ever was one, and was asked to take a broader view of what Obama is doing to women. Are you ready for this?

Women have a lot to lose under Obamacare, and I'll give you an example. If you want to go into specifics, what the government can give, the government can take away. It certainly isn't beyond the pale to think, in light of Kathleen Sebelius, the Health and Human Services Secretary—she said that it's important that we have contraceptives because that prevents pregnancy, and pregnancy is more expensive to the federal government. Going with that logic, according to our own Health and Human Services Secretary, it isn't far-fetched to think that the President of the United States could say, we need to save health care expenses—the federal government will only pay for one baby to be born in the hospital per family, or two babies to be born per family. That could happen. We think it couldn't?


Aaaand, we're off! Oh, how confused we've all been without Michele around to explain the logic of things to us. Anyway, to suggest that Obama is about to get into the business of telling us how many children we can have is a pretty radical and actually totally far-fetched leap to make. So Amy Holmes jumps in to clarify:

Congresswoman, are you suggesting that this administration, or a next administration, would actually advocate a one-child policy like Communist China?

Sure as hell sounded like it to me, but let's hear it again straight from the Minnesotan horse's mouth:

What I'm saying is that now that we know the President of the United States unilaterally can tell insurance companies, you must offer the morning-after abortion pill, you must offer sterilizations, you must offer contraceptives free to the recipients of those products, because we tell you to—which means they're effectively setting the price, as well—that says that whoever the health care dictator, could conceivably make that order, as well. There's nothing that this president, one person, would be limited from doing. That's how profound that is. I'm not saying that he is going to do it. I'm saying that he has the power and the authority to do it. We don't want anyone to have that level of authority.


Wow, there is so much "logic" in that paragraph it almost doesn't even make any sense, but it does sound very profound. It also sounds profoundly familiar. If you said, "Death Panels," ding ding ding ding! You win a 15-minute session of banging your head against the wall.

It really is like Michele ripped a page directly out of the old Sarah Palin playbook. And just like when SP pulled this trick during the original debate over Obama's healthcare bill, it sounded totally batshit at first. Remember how it seemed like the whole concept was so insane it would never stick, and then a month later it was all anyone could talk about? Well, it looks like we have ourselves a reprise.


It's probably only a matter of time before Mitt or Rick or Palin (should she succeed in her brokered convention plot) is standing before this great nation reminding us that we are on the brink of living in a country where President Obama, the health care dictator, personally kills babies with his bare hands. So, if you want to have a big family, take that aspirin out from between your knees, because you'd better get started before November. Time is running out!


Bachmann: ‘Health Care Dictator' Could Decide How Many Babies You Can Have [TPM]

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Every time [insert past/present GOP candidate here] says something, I throw up. It's like I've had a raging stomach flu for months.