Famous friends and family—most notably Michael's daughter Paris—publicly eulogized the late singer at one of the biggest memorial services in history. The performances and speeches were moving and tasteful.

Although, this was weird:

It was part of some montage that ran on the jumbo screen.

Hey, did you know that Michael Jackson is the reason that Obama was elected into office?


Did he even ever vote? Jehovah's Witnesses usually don't. (According to Prince.) Sharpton also said, "It was Michael Jackson that brought blacks and whites and Asians and Latinos together." Literally, all I could think was "What about Native Americans?" This dance was in my head all weekend:

Maya Angelou wrote a long-ass poem about Michael and then didn't even go. She had Queen Latifah read it.


Berry Gordy was the first to get up there and really eulogize Michael. He talked about the later singer's good and bad times, and then implied that we're supposed to start calling Michael "The Greatest Entertainer That Ever Lived" from now on. I don't know…"King of Pop" is a lot catchier. And easier.

Magic Johnson talked about Kentucky Fried Chicken.

And Al Sharpton wanted his three kids to know that their father wasn't strange.


Brooke Shields gave a touching eulogy in which she pretty much blew her cover as his beard.

She also said that he was "undoubtedly perched on a crescent moon." But I highly doubt that if he is on the moon that he's "perched." He's moonwalking. Doye.


Then a Congresswoman got up there and ranted and raved for the longest time about the legal system.


As for the performances, there was the big singalong to "We Are the World," for which family and close friends got on stage with a bunch of nobodies holding the mics.

There was also the good:
Stevie Wonder

Usher: I didn't like how "showy" he was, singing to the casket and stuff.

The bad:
Mariah didn't sound good.

Jennifer Hudson and the Arm-Motion People. She sounded great, but what is the deal with interpretive dancing? Also, I totally thought they were singing the song from Working Girl at first.


And the ugly:
John Mayer and his O faces.