Men's Health Wants To Get Dudes Laid On Valentine's Day, Bro

Think women are the only ones worried about Valentine’s Day plans? Well guess again, crew, because Men’s Health has released their “Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day”, which should really be titled, “Do This, Get Laid.”

Ah, Men’s Health, you never cease to make us laugh/recoil in horror. For only the classiest of Valentine’s Day guides start with an opener like this: “Valentine’s Day is quite possibly the worst holiday for men. You have to make plans, spend money, and do everything ‘right’-at least you know you’ll have sex that night.” Oh my stars! I’m feeling all flustered with romantic notions already!

So how does Men’s Health lay down the path toward Valentine’s night success? By breaking it down into these categories:

The Card: “Because to her, it’s more than just paper.”
The Flowers:”Yes, They’ll Die In A Few Days, But She Still Wants Them”
The Sweet Treat “She’ll Be Eating Out Of Your Hand”
Jewelry: “Give her something that sparkles, even when the lights are off.”
Creative Gift “A little thought goes a long way.”
Activities “Consider these ideas foreplay to your Valentine’s day activities.”
Dinner “Satisfy Her (Sexual) Hunger”

Now listen: the list itself is pretty standard Valentine’s day fare, but the insanely creepy undertone of “you are only doing this shit so she’ll sleep with you, dude, so hang in there” that moves through the entire article is so pathetically blatant that I’m not sure whether to cry or laugh. And for those of you who may doubt that any guy following this list has less than honorable intentions, consider some of the instructions given out in certain categories:

Last Minute Gifts: A Target gift card will earn you a spot in the doghouse. But a personal gift certificate is entirely different. Whatever you’re good at-massages, cooking-make a note card promising your service for free, whenever she wants it. Be sure the card is “good” for several uses. Can’t think of a talent to awe her with? Then make the card good for sexual favors.

Oh dude. How many commenters out there would rather get a Target gift card than a book of “IOU One Hot Session” coupons written on construction paper from some dude? I mean, really?

Last Minute Activity: One of the best things about Valentine’s Day (yes, there are a few good things) is that simple, somewhat cheesy things will score you major points. Is it snowing? Go sledding or build a snowman. You can also stay in and watch movies. Start off with a few of her favorites, then see if she’s up for something more masculine. As long as there’s a hot male lead, she’ll likely say yes.

Because girls are so dumb and girly! They can’t handle “masculine things” you guys! Not unless Christian Bale is involved! Oh, man. Hopefully she’ll be so turned on and stupid that she’ll think you are Christian Bale, and she’ll sleep with you. Everything’s coming up Men’s Health!

What this list ultimately represents, however, is the gross nature of Valentine’s Day, where every bad dating stereotype gets blown up to Code Super Hot Pink, and the goofy holiday becomes a sort of game involving the “right” or “expected” kind of romance: the cards, the flowers, the delicious, delicious candy, the lingerie, the reservations, and even, to a certain extent, the anti-Valentine’s plans that spring up on the other end of things.

This list has one objective: impress your girl enough to get her to sleep with you. But dudes, if you have to fake your way through goofy Valentine’s fun just to impress someone enough to get her to think that you’re a nice guy, when clearly, nice guy or no, you’re presenting a textbook version of generic faux-romantic Valentine guy, both of you might want to reconsider if you’re really having fun at all.

In fairness, however, the pressure to be romantic on Valentine’s Day hits both genders, and I’m sure that certain men who read this list are honestly trying to find ways to impress their dates/girlfriends, much like women who read “50 Hot Ways to Make Him Melt This Valentine’s Day” in whatever women’s magazine do. And though the list is deeply, deeply flawed, in that it seems to lead to an endpoint (do these things=Sex, bro!), perhaps if the emphasis was less on what a guy could expect to get (or, as it reads at times, what he is owed) and just how a couple can have a good time together on one of the goofiest days of the year, it would read less like a creep manual and more like a realistic portrayal of the insanity that surrounds the holiday.