Men's Health Is Ready To Seduce You, Ladies

Oh, Men’s Health. You are truly the gift that keeps on giving, and it seems as though each new seduction guide you deliver is crazier than the last.

Today’s entry into the Men’s Health WTF-A-Thon, “33 Simple Sex Tips To Turn Her On,” is yet another list of borderline psychotic advice designed to help men either charm or horrify women, depending on your point of view. Let’s take a look at some of these sexy sexy seductive tips, shall we?

Buy Her a Silk Thong

A gift of lingerie is cliched, right? So twist it. Give it to her when you (seemingly) don’t expect sex right then and there. Pass it under the table at a restaurant and ask her to go to the ladies’ room and change into it. “It’s a little naughty, but she has a chance to play back,” says Joy Davidson, Ph.D., a relationship therapist in Seattle. Not recommended for a first date.

Not recommended for a first date? How about not recommended for, I don’t know, ever? Where would this ever be sexy or appropriate? Doesn’t quite work at a fancy restaurant: “Thanks for coming to dinner with me tonight, Caryn. Here’s a pair of underwear. Go put them on in the bathroom while I discuss the wine selection with our sommelier.” And I’m pretty sure: “Hey, Caryn, go put this thong on before our Awesome Blossom arrives,” doesn’t work either. A gift of lingerie is cliched. But perhaps not as cliched as the guy who buys the gift and then immediately assumes that the woman has to put it on because he says so.

Embrace Her Until She Ends It

Good kissing tops most women’s lists of turn-ons, but don’t underestimate the heating power of a great hug, especially when she initiates it. “Let her know how much you savor it,” says Lou Paget, author of 365 Days of Sensational Sex. Make it clear you don’t want the hug to end.

Ah, yes. The dude who tries to turn a good-bye hug into a passionate moment. Here’s a lady tip: it doesn’t matter if you don’t want the hug to end. If she does, the hug is over, Grabby McGee. Back up and say goodnight.

Plant a Picture

Stash a photo of her in your wallet. She’ll deny it, but all women rummage at some point. You might as well turn it to your advantage.

She’ll deny it, because women are liars, but she’ll totally snoop, because women are nosy and can’t be trusted. Ain’t that the truth, ladies, you nosy lying bitches, you?

Make a Bedroom Burrito

Bondage is appealing for a good reason: It heightens the anticipation for the one who’s receiving the pleasure. But anything with locks, Velcro, or ties can freak her out (us, too), so try this: While you’re rolling around in bed, wrap her up in the sheet so she can’t do anything with her arms (think burrito or straitjacket). Leave her head, shoulders, and lower legs uncovered. Now kiss every inch of exposed skin. It’s simple, spontaneous, and soft-core.

Is there any phrase more seductive than “think burrito or straitjacket?” I think not.

Skip the Flowers

Blooms at the office are overdone. If you want to stand out, send a card instead. “It’s really the thoughtful things you do at nonsexual times that make a woman want you,” says Paul Joannides, author of Guide to Getting It On! Go with a thank-you. Write out a few things you’ve never thanked her for-making breakfast on Sunday, cleaning your stubble out of the sink. An appreciated woman during the day is an appreciative woman at night.

You know how else you can show your lady that you appreciate her? Make your own damn breakfast and clean your own damn stubble out of the sink. Also? Your lady friend is not going to “want you” because you acted like a normal, decent human being for once and had some damn manners. What the hell do you think this is, 1955? “Oh, look, Nancy! Harold sent me a card to thank me for picking his nose hairs out of the sink! What a gem!” “You’d better sleep with him right away, Darla! An appreciated woman during the day is an appreciative woman at night, don’t you know!”

Blow Bubbles

Take a swig of champagne before going down, then use your tongue to swirl the bubbles around her clitoris. Nerve endings react to bubbles. In a very good way.

Mmm…sexy yeast infection.

Say Why

Anyone can say, “I love you,” so explain why. Maybe it’s the way she nibbles at a KitKat, or how her nose scrunches when she drinks tequila. The more unique your reasons, the more special she’ll feel.

I think a comment by Men’s Health commenter “woo” sums this tip, and this entire article, up pretty nicely: “omg…. these “tips” are horrible….. If you really love a woman you do nice things for her anyways. All these “tips” sound like “how-to-pretend-that-you-love-her-for-dummies.” That’s pretty much it, isn’t it? This isn’t a list about “turning her on” as much as it’s a list about lying your way into her pants. Thankfully, the advice here is so dumb that anyone who actually tries it will probably end up cleaning their own stubble out of the sink, wondering where it all went wrong.