Memo To Viacom! Have We Got A Reality Show Premise For You...

Illustration for article titled Memo To Viacom! Have We Got A Reality Show Premise For You...

I'm so hungover I haven't gotten around to taking my ADD medication yet, but this was nevertheless a really awesome crappy hour. We talked carbon, nukes, Pakistan, Sarkozy, whether Maria Bartiromo is as hot as Monica Bellucci, but not really because the whole thing is so fucking ADD and by the way guys? I had the BEST DREAM EVER.


YOUNGJEZZY: Okay, so, not only did I drink too much last night after having very little to eat, the bartender lost my credit card. I'm pretty sure he was drunker than I was. Intern Maria witnessed the whole thing. The only upside is that I had the most awesome dream...
Amy Winehouse and Jenna Bush had a reality show!
AFTERPARTYIST: Whoa! Most awesome dream ever!
YOUNGJEZZY: I think it was called "Lushes"
AFTERPARTYIST: Also, getting the bartender drunk deserves a standing O.
OMG, you need to pitch that to someone!
YOUNGJEZZY: I know! Just on grounds of dueling accent humor alone... plus Jenna is a teacher at that charter school, and Amy keeps showing up asking for money...
And the kids LOOVVE Amy
AFTERPARTYIST: well, who wouldn't? that hair fascinates me like everyone else
YOUNGJEZZY: OMG did you see this poll about your man Huckabee? He's gaining on Romney. "Unlike Romney, he didn't used to be pro-choice. Unlike Fred Thompson, he didn't used to lobby for pro-choicers."
AFTERPARTYIST: No, way, people decided they liked the Baptist better than the Mormon before everyone knew about the underwear? Who woulda thunk?
Also, I think that totally proves your thesis from yesterday that taking abortion out of (or putting it into) the equation causes things to significantly change.
YOUNGJEZZY: Yeah, it's really annoying that all the time we spend talking about abortion completely clouds everything else. Like, no one even knows what to think about other issues such as the tax code and such. I also think that's why Jenna's message of "Be nice to one another and always use condoms" is so revolutionary to people who think of her as her father's daughter. Like she's really supposed to have any clear-cut positions on the tax code when, like, who does?
AFTERPARTYIST: Well, everyone has a position on taxes: I should pay less, people richer than me should pay more. It's tax policy that gets complicated, especially as it butts up against things like retail politics, who actually donates money to candidates, the ability of the rich to move their money more easily, etc.
But, yay condoms!
YOUNGJEZZY: Haha yeah, but when I was going through that quiz I was like "oh yeah, one big SALES tax, that'll show em.." and then I thought of the ramifications for the economy etc. And somehow I wanted that to lead into Colbert's speech at the Glamour Woman Of The Year Awards, where he said: "No, I am here tonight because I love Glamour. I love its lifestyle. I love the magazine. I have my own personal do's and don'ts. Do work a retro up-do, with a little headband. Don't criticize the president."
AFTERPARTYIST: Ha! I love that man. I mean, the sales tax is kinda retro, in that we used to fund our goverment with tariffs and shit, and then we realized that it's not a good funding source because it's too variable (like, hello? everyone stops spending when the economy goes to shit and so revenues go to hell and that makes it worse) and we started in with the income tax system because it's somewhat less variable
But, in the end, the national sales tax guys are the same as the "starve the government to make it smaller" guys, which is why they like the idea.
YOUNGJEZZY: Yeah, but that's what bonds and money printing machines are for! Income tax revenue is pretty wild itself, much wilder than retail sales.. And then there are capital gains taxes right! There was just some story in the Post about how the Wall Street meltdown was going to create a huge hole in the city's tax revenue ... a billion dollars or something. Headache! And speaking of... black tie events, did you check the guest list for the Sarkozy dinner? Ross Perot was there! As was someone from that Red AIDS initiative. What the fuck is that anyway? It's not as distasteful as "Shop Till AIDS Drops!" but still...
And on an unrelated note, the monks and lawyers are totally still neck-and-neck in our poll, with 827 votes in! Judging from the commenters, the monks have better bodies but get points off because they won't actually fuck you...
AFTERPARTYIST: Is that the whole red T-shirt at the Gap thng?
Well, poverty bod isn't my scene, so I'm on Team Lawyer on this one.
I'll bet, though, that Uncle Pervy totally regrets trying to calm things the fuck down by having Bhutto come back, eh?
YOUNGJEZZY: Ooooooh, Registan! What an amazing site! So Benazir Bhutto isn't that awesome like the editors of Glamour would have you believe??? (She was interviewed in a very fawning profile this month!) Um, also can you explain to me why Musharraff which I am misspelling is called "Uncle Pervy"? Or is that best left to the imagination...
AFTERPARTYIST: Well, I'm pretty sure it's just a naughty little play off his first name- Pervez. And the fact that he kind looks a little nutty in that picture, and maybe some that he's all like, I'm for democracy, just the kind where I stay in office and scrap the constitution and fire the Supreme Court and stuff.
YOUNGJEZZY: oh...a PUN. Ugh. Alka seltzer...where is...
AFTERPARTYIST: Sorry, I write for Wonkette most of the time! The pun habit is hard to break!
YOUNGJEZZY: Yeah, I think it's a factor of my ADD that I miss a lot of pun-portunities. I am more the "making up words" type of person. But I have this friend Matt, who works at InTouch and totally has some sort of juiced-up lobe in his brain...the Puntal lobe! — whereby he makes at least 1,321 puns a day. Like when that Lancelot guy died around Halloween, his Away message was Robert GHOULet ... crap like that. It's very endearing and not a little scary!
AFTERPARTYIST: Whoa, I'm totally not that good! I just appreciate a good pun when I see one. GHOULet, though, is not.
YOUNGJEZZY: I'm more of the mind that, the stupider the better... But back to Jenna and Amy... would it be fucked up for me to take this strike as an opportunity to pitch that somewhere?
AFTERPARTYIST: Hello no! You might have to get in line, though. I can only imagine that every un- and underemployed writer is doing that, too. But yours is comic gold!
5 minutes
YOUNGJEZZY: O M to the G Maria Bartiromo's boychik Todd Mahal Thomson is totally striking back against the smear campaign against him!... But this is kinda weak: Asked by Reuters about his ties to Ms. Bartiromo, Mr. Thomson seemed more tight-lipped. He called it an "inappropriate question" and described their relationship as "appropriate."
AFTERPARTYIST: My question: WTF did his watch cost?
Also, what red-blooded man wouldn't feel it "appropriate" to put the stones to the money honey?
YOUNGJEZZY: Also, "asymmetrical weapons" are the new asymmetrical haircuts in the Koreas, or something
And yeah, agreed re Maria; never trusted her but she's fucking hot. She's Monica Bellucci hot, and better preserved.
AFTERPARTYIST: I have to say, I've never understood Kim Jong Il's interest in reuniting/taking over South Korea by nuking it. That seems a little counterproductive.
YOUNGJEZZY: And there's a story called The Carbon Calculus. I feel like the New York Times has a quota whereby they have to sprinkle the word "calculus" throughout the paper at least seven times a day, nineteen on Sundays, to maintain their "brand" as the paper to write about the dumbest things in the smartest sounding way. God I sound like O'Reilly. Anyway I never took calculus and I got a D in pre-calculus but I swear to God the Wash Post is a smarter paper.
AFTERPARTYIST: I never took calculus either!
I can't say whether the WaPo is a better paper, but maybe its editors are like "use a real word, asshole, you don't have to prove to the readers that you're smarter than they are?"
Whereas the NY Times guys are like "We like big words! Use more!"
YOUNGJEZZY: For once I would like them to just refer to, you know, the "fuzzy math" of carbon. But that's the hangover talking.



i couldnt sleep last night and watched the reality show on HBO about whores at the Bunny Ranch somewhere in the midwest. And then I spent the next two hours dreaming I was a whore trapped at the Bunny Ranch and my boyfriend wouldnt rescue me- and somehow I this turned me on...