Memo To Prince Harry: I Fancy You, Despite The Firecrotch

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Dear Prince Harry,

Let me just start off by saying that I normally don't write fan letters, but I just wanted to let you know that, after reading about you in the new US Weekly I think I'm forming a massive schoolgirl crush on you, even though I'm not really a schoolgirl. In fact, at 27, I'm far from it. Does that make me a cougar, being that you're only 22? If so, are you into that sort of thing? Because you seem like maybe you would be. I know I am. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm a confirmed Prince Harry fan. I suppose you could call me a Harry Fanny.


I don't mean to freak you out, but you know, I wouldn't be offended if you were a bit freaked over my feelings for you. Because I'm a bit freaked by these feelings myself—mainly because you have red hair. I have a slight phobia of ginger minge.

I know a lot of girls have been all gaga over Wills. Does that ever bother you? You know it's only because he's second in line for the throne, right? 'Cause while he was looking OK when he was like 17, he hasn't been aging all that well. He's sort of growing into Wales horsey-ness that, thanks to your mum, you'll luckily avoid. Besides, I like that you don't have that added responsibility of heading up the monarchy weighing on your shoulders. You're able to enjoy all that money without the worries.

Ahh, jeez, don't me wrong! I'm totally not into you for your money (although, you know, it earns you millions upon millions of points with me). I'm into because you have an irreverent sense of humor, and you like to get drunk, smoke weed and touch boobs. I think we'd get along so well because I also love to get wasted and I have some boobs you can touch.

You seem like you like a good time. And on that note: for a good time call me. Haha! JK! But seriously, yeah, my number is listed on many a loo wall.



Harry Fanny