Dear Mark, We're going to put it out there: We think you're real cute. You've got that tall, dark and handsome thing going on, plus the Australian accent, plus the cutest puppy we've ever seen. So we thought that even though Age of Love is already easily the worst of the worst of the reality dating shows ever (Pitting 20-somethings vs 40-somethings? How low can you go?), you'd do alright. Sure, we were disappointed by how weirded out you were when you learned that some of the women on the show were 10+ years older than you. And we were even more disappointed when your face lit up after being introduced to the other pool of ladies, the 20-somethings, and couldn't keep your eyes off their breasts. Now, the blame shouldn't rest solely on your shoulders: Obviously the 40-somethings are disturbingly desperate and more inappropriately-sexualized than JonBenet Ramsey, and yes, the 20-somethings seem a little too okay with the fact that the only thing they're bringing to the table are their cup sizes and tight asses. But still, we harbored hope. You have that cute puppy! Then this week's episode came along and you, well, you struck out.
Strike 1 came when you picked Kelli from the group of 40-somethings for a one-on-one date. Because, you said, "Kelli seems more sexual than some of the other women... and so I'd like to get to know her more." If by "sexual" you mean "skanky," well than yes. But if by "sexual" you mean that the sight of the garish blonde hair and scary teeth and proclivity for wearing things that barely cover her ass makes you want to rip all your clothes off and nail her old ass in a limo. Well, then, we're scared. And also, can you at least pretend to not be picking women based on fuckability? Please?
Strike 2. You picked Amanda from the 20-somethings for your one-on-one. Amanda is a dancer for a hockey team. You have admired her "smile" (and by "smile" we mean rack) for three weeks now. We have never heard you actually have a conversation with her. And yet you keep talking about this "deep connection" you feel with her. And if by "deep connection" you mean you would like to rip all of your clothes of and nail her young ass in a limo, well, just don't tell us you're making love, okay?
Strike 3. You eliminated Adelaide, the only woman with half a brain on the show! Adelaide, who seems to be the only one with an actual career, who rose from modest means (the girl was born in a banana shack for Chrissakes!) and is the only girl who doesn't seem to be thinking of new ways to shove her chest in your face. Yes, Mark, now we get it: You don't care about anything of substance. You do not want a "smart" and "challenging" partner and all that other bullshit you've fed us over the past month. You want good 'ol T&A. (Old, young — you don't care!) But that, like, doesn't mean we still won't be tuning in week after week! Yes, Mark, we want to watch you make your own bed (literally) and settle between the sheets with your perfect mate: That special girl whom you picked because... her breasts were the biggest. Happy dating, buddy!