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Welcome to Megyn Kelly Today, Today, a new daily column in which we will share the most memorable things that happened on Megyn Kelly Today every morning until we are no longer able to watch Megyn Kelly Today without feeling like there will be no tomorrow.

  • Megyn Kelly began her tease of the show by saying, “This morning on Megyn Kelly Today: Kidney beans, whole wheat pasta, and fava beans?”
  • Megyn Kelly walked onstage in a navy—perhaps deep purple—dress.
  • Megyn Kelly said today’s show is about “happiness and where to find it.”
  • Bobby Finger avoided making an obvious joke here.
  • Megyn Kelly said, “A story for you out of Florida: one man claims he’s too fat for prison.”
  • The audience applauded.
  • Megyn Kelly said, “I’ve seen the prison bars” and added that being “too thin for prison” makes sense, whereas “too fat” does not.
  • Megyn Kelly showed a video of a baby hearing for the first time.
  • The audience applauded.
  • Megyn Kelly welcomed Kathie Lee Gifford to the stage.
  • Kathie Lee gestured to the wraparound audience and said, “I like what you’ve done... we’re surrounded by humanity.”
  • Megyn Kelly said she’s a fan of corned beef thanks to her Tuesday lunches with Kathie Lee.
  • Kathie Lee said, “This woman can eat,” and told a story about how they recently ate lamb chops.
  • Megyn Kelly spoke about the song Kathie Lee wrote about her late husband Frank Gifford—which she performed on Today last week.
  • Kathie Lee is convinced this song will “change the world.”
  • Megyn Kelly said she’d have to change topics.
  • Kathie Lee said, “You’re gonna segue from Jesus to pole dancing.”
  • Megyn Kelly segued from Jesus to pole dancing.
  • Megyn Kelly said pole dancing may become an Olympic sport.
  • Kathie Lee said, “I know Jesus would love the pole dancer!”
  • Megyn Kelly said, “Coming up, who’s hungry for some avocados?!”
  • Megyn Kelly welcomed Dr. Oz to the stage.
  • Dr. Oz said, “This is an iconic studio... when you start here, you’re gold.”
  • Megyn Kelly said, “Yessss!”
  • Bobby Finger once again avoided making the obvious joke.
  • Dr. Oz said he started in the same studio, and that he and Jimmy Fallon used to “punk” each other.
  • Bobby Finger wondered whether Dr. Oz knows what “punk” means.
  • Dr. Oz promoted his new book Food Can Fix It.
  • Dr. Oz grabbed a drill and showed off a giant artery he “built” to explain how they can get damaged over time.
  • Dr. Oz made a hole in the artery with a literal shard of glass meant to represent diabetes, then “plastered it” in chlolesterol that may or may not have been dijon mustard.
  • Megyn Kelly sniffed the vat of Dr. Oz’s dijon mustard-like substance. [See above.]
  • Bobby Finger said, “This is a fucking mess!”
  • Dr. Oz kept saying the name of his book. “Food can fix it. Food can fix it.”
  • Dr. Oz said, “I never ever leave home without nuts in my pocket.”
  • Megyn Kelly said, “I’m not even gonna touch that.”
  • The audience applauded.
  • Dr. Oz, a man who has “misled and endangered” the public, tried to convince us of some more bullshit as a way of selling his latest book.
  • Megyn Kelly began her inspirational human interest story of the day, which I will skip.
  • Megyn Kelly said, “So my next guest says the secret to happiness boils down to three things: pleasure, pride, and purpose.”
  • Megyn Kelly welcomed some “expert on happiness” named Dan Buettner, and they both sat down.
  • Bobby Finger thought, “Lotta scammers on the show today!”
  • Dan Buettner said, “I actually have a quiz for the audience... I actually thought it would be fun to see how happy the Megyn Kelly audience is.”
  • Bobby Finger avoided the obvious joke for the third time in a single episode!
  • Dan Buettner stood up and began addressing the audience as though this were a TEDx talk.
  • Megyn Kelly stood up after realizing Dan Buettner had no intention of sitting back down.
  • Dan Buettner sat down after asking his dumb questions.
  • Megyn Kelly sat down after Dan Buettner sat down.
  • Dan Buettner said, “It’s very hard to be happy if you have chronic pain, or are depressed, or watch the wrong morning show.”
  • The audience laughed.
  • Dan Buettner said, “The happiest place in America is Boulder, CO.”
  • Megyn Kelly said, “And it has nothing to do with weed.”
  • Megyn Kelly spoke to Kathie Lee and Hoda.
  • Kathie Lee and Hoda once again bragged about their guest, which happens to be Melissa Joan Hart.
  • Megyn Kelly Today ended.

Clip of the Day: A Segue to Remember