Meghan and Harry Have Quit Being Royalty

Until this very moment, it never occurred to me that being royalty was a job one could just quit, like that time I worked for a single morning changing diapers at a daycare, went to lunch, and never came back. In the case of the Commoners Formerly Known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, Harry and Meghan, “lunch” is Canada, where they have gone to quit their jobs useless figureheads back in England.

Amid rumors that the pair were dissatisfied with the royal life, a dissatisfaction most likely caused Meghan brutal treatment by the tabloids as well as the paparazzi’s role in Princess Diana’s death, Harry and Meghan have released a statement:

“After many months of reflection and internal discussions, we have chosen to make a transition this year in starting to carve out a progressive new role within this institution. We intend to step back as ‘senior’ members of the Royal Family and work to become financially independent, while continuing to fully support Her Majesty The Queen.”

They have announced that they will split their time between the UK and North America. Earlier today, Page Six speculated that Harry and Meghan might make a more permanent home in Canada, where for the past six months the Markle-Sussexes (I have no idea what their actual last names are) enjoyed hiking and helping other tourists take selfies, a polite gesture that should make the pair quite welcome should they decide to settle there, where little Archie could learn to play hockey.

What I am most interested in is what they will do for money, though they have announced plans to launch some sort of charitable endeavor. Of course, Meghan could go back to acting, or Harry could give helicopter tours of Vancouver Island. But I hope that they will think smaller and do something like open a little stationery and candle store in Halifax. Or they could do what I did when I quit the daycare, which was get a job at Hooters. Anyway, congrats to the newly-liberated couple. Hopefully there is some sort of short-term unemployment benefits package for English people who decide they no longer wish to be God’s chosen mascots for the United Kingdom.

Update, 3:35 p.m.: Queen Elizabeth has changed Harry and Meghan’s royal status to “It’s complicated” via her communications secretary:

“Discussions with The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are at an early stage,” the statement issued by Deputy Communications Secretary to The Queen, Hannah Howard, reads. “We understand their desire to take a different approach, but these are complicated issues that will take time to work through.”