Meet the Face of Objective Beauty

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In a world with so many different types of people and diverse tastes, it's impossible to determine what's objectively attractive because, really, there's no such thing as objectively attractive. Different strokes for different folks! The eye of the beholder! You are beautiful, no matter what they say and words can't bring you-a down — no-o-no-oa-no!


Haha, just kidding. Of course, there's such thing as objectively attractive. There's a whole Greek formula based on face symmetry and personality and sense of humor to determine it and we all know the Greeks never got anything wrong. Don't match their standards? Then I regret to inform you that you are objectively ugly and should probably just wear a bag over your head like the Elephant Man.

Want to know what objectively beautiful looks like so that you can compare yourself before deciding whether or not to go into hiding? It looks like 18 year-old Florence Colgate, who beat out 8,000 others for the title of the most beautiful woman in Great Britain. She has an almost perfectly symmetrical face, blonde hair, blue eyes, and, yes, is very pretty. According to GMA, her face is so symmetrical that she doesn't even have to wear make up. And that is why we wear make-up, right? To look symmetrical? I just use face paint to paint fake eyes over my real eyes so that they look even and perfect.

Colgate, to her credit, is taking the title with a grain of salt and even goes as far to suggest that there's no such thing as a blanket beauty ideal. Oh, Florence, you are as kind as you are stunning, but we uglies (and Good Morning America) know better! Just because our faces are lopsided and mottled doesn't mean our brains don't work. We know what true beauty looks like, at least well enough to know that there's only one way to look and we probably don't look that way.

London Competition Seeking Perfect, Natural Beauty Draws Thousands



So does anyone else get crushes on people and think to themselves that the object of their crush is literally "the most beautiful person in the world"? When I realised I'd started doing this I took articles like these less seriously (though as a man this wasn't much of an issue in the first place).

To date, I have considered these women who I knew personally to be literally (in the real sense of the word) the most beautiful in the world:

A 4'8" Bangladeshi girl with a curved nose

A completely flat chested, skinny white girl

A chubby Chinese girl with terrible acne

A shaven-headed tomboy

TLDR: When you are an obsessive, "objectively attractive" means nothing