Prior to each season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, host Chris Harrison walks Bachelor Nation through the contestants, often dropping “easter eggs” to help devout followers of the show establish competitive Bachelor Brackets, March Madness-style. I’ve never been so invested—I’m mostly here just to judge hunks, and judge I did.
Season 16 of The Bachelorette will premiere on Tuesday, October 13, on ABC (please note that means a historic departure from the Monday night slot—The Bachelorette simply cannot compete with Tyra Banks’s Dancing with the Stars or Monday night football). This season’s star Clare Crawley is the show’s oldest Bachelorette at just 39. The season was filmed entirely over quarantine, and Crawley may or may not have fallen in love during the pandemic shoot, resulting in Tayshia Adams appearing mid-way through the season to scoop up her leftovers. It’s going to be a shitshow. I can’t wait. Here are the men.
Harrison says AJ “makes a big first impression” on night one, which means it is unlikely that he makes it past night one. Also, he says AJ comes from a big “Afghani” family, placing emphasis in a way I can only describe as racist? Like, he sounded like Trump saying “China.” Anyway. AJ is a hunk and deserves better. Justice for AJ.
Ben is an army vet who talks too much and becomes a “natural leader” in The Bachelor mansion (excuse me, quarantined hotel?), according to Harrison. I’m yawning.
Bennett, the 36-year-old wealth management consultant, is definitely the kind of person I’d run away from in the club. Harrison describes him as “50 percent Wall Street, 50 percent Greenwich, Connecticut,” which is still the same asshole to me.
Blake Monar is one of two Blake M.s on this season, which is insane because I’ve yet to personally meet even one Blake—and I’m pretty sure that is a name reserved for really strong dogs. Anyway, apparently this Blake used to play professional baseball and then pivoted to hair products. As long as he’s not more vain than Clare or Tayshia, I’m down for him.
The second Blake M. “works with endangered species,” and according to Harrison, he owns a falcon—like, the bird. He also looks like a long-lost member of Deftones. I don’t think he’ll go far, but he should. Who doesn’t adore a Canadian?
Brandon is too hot for this show and the city of Cleveland, Ohio. If he’s not a villain, I’m out.
Brendan—who is not Brandon—is from Boston. That’s about it.
Chasen, in addition to being very pink, is your “classic, good-looking surfer guy,” according to Harrison.
Apparently Chris is a 27-year-old Thai landscape design salesman-slash-excellent cook, which leads me to believe he doesn’t get a lot of screen time but I would love to date him nonetheless.
Harrison says Dale leaves a huge impression. I assume that is code for “he wins.” Like, it has been widely reported that Clare picks Dale, which is why Tayshia is a part of this season at all. Whatever. The drama alone is worth tuning in for.
Demar apparently “has enough energy for all of us on this show,” according to Harrison, which I assume means he’s the sweetie of the bunch—the comedic relief, the BFF—and thank goodness there’s at least one.
Eazy! His name is Eazy!
Harrison says he misjudged Ed as a “meathead,” which is rude, and naturally I’m team Ed now, though I guess I don’t know the difference between a “bro” and a “meathead.” Are all meatheads bros? Are only some bros meatheads?
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Typically, something like 40 percent of all Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants hail from the Tomi Lahren capital of Texas, Dallas—objectively the worst city in Texas—so I’m not surprised by the inclusion of Ivan. Based solely on his career description, he strikes me as too smart for this show.
Jason is doing too much. Shut it down.
Is this not Pilot Peter? Where does ABC find these clones from past seasons?
At 40 years old, Jeremy is the oldest Bachelor in the house (and possibly in the show’s history, which is crazy, because this is a show about marriage and last time I checked, people wed at any age.) Considering the fact that Clare is 39, he’s age-appropriate, and this show could use some more, as Harrison says, “salt and pepper.”
Chris Harrison says Dr. Joe is “sneaky strong... but not afraid to fight,” which means nothing.
Jordan needs cooler glasses. Harrison says when it comes to Jordan, “age is just a number.” Poetic.
The second Jordan is 6' 8", which is about as tall as you can be before it gets weird. The second Jordan also self-describes as a “tall nerd.” In the battle of the Jordans, the second Jordan would win.
Kenny creates and manages boy band cover bands, which I learned because I furiously googled him after Harrison made a piss poor joke about boy bands “still” existing. BTS, much? Anyway, Kenny has tattoos and is 39, and that’s about all I can say about Kenny. Oh, and he gets naked on the show.
Harrison says Mike makes quite the impression on night one, something involving “feet.” I’m nervous, because Mike is cute and Canadian, and that’s the best combination.
Page strikes me as a dude who’d ruin your life, like most hot chefs, so I’m excited to watch him ruin some lives.
Riley seems like a nice guy. There don’t appear to be many nice guys on The Bachelorette. Good for Riley!
Get out of here with this wannabe Zac Efron, recommended to the show by the heinous Nick Viall. Absolutely not. Next!
Tyler C., not to be mistaken with Tyler Cameron from Hannah Brown’s season of The Bachelorette, looks like if Barstool Sports was a person. Quick, someone delete his social media history, stat. Gigi Hadid won’t be intrigued.
Tyler S., because you can never have too many Tylers, is the brother of country singer Granger Smith. They also look exactly alike, so that’s something to someone, probably.
Yosef looks like a Property Brother if the Property Brothers were hot. He’s also a dad. But is he a daddy?
Harrison says Zac C. has a “heart of gold,” a frequent and generous description he likes to use to discuss a nice guy who is otherwise unremarkable. Still, Zac C. is an addiction specialist, and that’s a very cool and selfless thing to be.
Another Zach. According to Harrison, “he earns a nickname because of night one, and that nickname stinks,” so I assume he farts on Clare?
Season 16 of The Bachelorette premieres Tuesday, October 13 on ABC. Happy watching.