"Maybe You Are Looking For A More Non-Traditional Kind Of Relationship With Me.."

Illustration for article titled "Maybe You Are Looking For A More Non-Traditional Kind Of Relationship With Me.."

Maggie met Tom on a dating site — she wouldn't tell us which, but it is so obviously Nerve Personals — after just having moved to a new city whose identity she also wouldn't reveal. (Too bad our roommate used to work at the coffee shop he name-checks so when she says he showed up wearing a pink and blue argyle sweater and a fedora we started conjuring up a pretty clear image of a specific type of Philly loser in our mind.) Weirdly, we don't think we know this guy, whom she describes as "lacking in verticality what he was making up for in horizontality" but also having extensive experience with PCP and meth. (Two tastes you will not often find together!) Anyway, Maggie tolerated Tom's massively self-centered emails because he seemed to know his way around town, but after a night during which he talked unceasingly about himself and then tried to invite himself up to her apartment, she was happy to cut her losses. Too bad he wasn't!



Did you have a good time Thursday night? I have been wondering if you liked me or trust me. Since that night I have been thinking of you often. The thing that most comes to mind is what am I going to do about this girl? I can't think of anywhere to take you. When I might think of another date I wonder to myself, where? There are no restaurants, shows, concerts, picnics, clubs or classes that I would want to take you to. None of my friends would like you. I don't think that my family would get you.

But even with that you have some unique qualities. I was inside the Last Drop and I noticed you run past with headphones on heading to work on Sunday. I yelled but you missed me. Maybe you are looking for a more non-traditional kind of relationship with me. I understand that you work like mad but maybe there is something that you will like that we can get started. Some private time behind the closed doors of apartments.




Wait...I think I can beat that...

i knew i didnt have to commit to you, and at the same time had an outlet for frustration and anger that i could focus certain sexual desires on. and to tell you the truth, when i would call you out on being manipulative, its cos i didnt want you to think you were outsmarting me or anything. i got as much out of our relationship as i wanted, except it may have been nice to have sex more than once.

-excerpt from an actual email I got from a boy named Max who I hadn't spoken to in 3 months prior to receiving this

I should like to mention the one time we did have sex I was drunk out of my mind and he came over to "help" me while sober and the sex was disastrous. It is one of the most impressive "never again" moments of my entire life.

Can anybody else top this email?