May Allure: Get A Greatly Distorted Body Image By Summer!

The month the editors at Allure tried to make us more beautiful, but our naturally disgusting bodies fought them every step of the way.

We'd started to accept our lack of perfectly flat abs, but the mag helpfully highlighted our "problem" in bold-faced type, explaining, "YOU HAVE TOO MUCH FAT ALL OVER," "YOU'RE EATING THE WRONG FOOD," and, "YOU ONLY USE YOUR ABDOMINAL MUSCLES RARELY." Touché, Allure! But at least we're not alone. In a year by year analysis, we learned that you can "keep track of Britney Spears's success" by studying her abs, which have "gotten a little flabbier" since she was sixteen. The mag also provides a chart tracing the history of "garments that have whittled us" from stays to Spanx. Apparently, even cover girl Blake Lively feels unacceptably big sometimes. "I don't know, I'm ... large?" she says. "They put me in six-inch heels, and I tower over every man. I've got this long hair and lots of clothes and makeup, I just feel really big a lot of the time ... I feel like a man sometimes." Thankfully, the mag assures us that, "She is, in fact, quite girlie."

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Below, we break down Allure's cover lines, to reveal the lies concealed within.




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