Well I hate to break it to you, but Round 1 of March Madness is done. We lost some good soldiers along the way and saw some real upsets. Let’s pay respect to those that fell.

For starters, Top Chef beat out Teen Mom?! Then Jersey Shore did the same to Married at First Sight. Somewhere out there, I know some of you are crying: Celebrity Rehab beat Pretty Wild (Nancy Jo Sales is gone, too). Shockingly, in an upset I didn’t see coming but that nevertheless gives me hope, Donald Trump is out because of Video Therapy Sessions. And in an upset that makes me concerned, Drug Store Brand Face Creams beat Having Cancer. Jillian Michaels Workout DVDs won out over Meghan Trainor’s Continued Success, which IDK, leaves me with no feeling. But by far the closest battle was between Dinner Parties From Hell and Miniature Ponies in Your Backyard: Dinner Parties won with just 50.16 percent of the vote. Damn. Andy Cohen is proud right now.


So now, on to Round 2. We’ve got a lot to work through today, so please, bear with me, and remember: we’re not talking as simple as best-versus-worst here. We’re talking most depressingly inevitable in the development of American culture. We’re getting specific.

From the Reality TV Business division:

Will Vanderpump Rules (1) meet its match in Judge Judy (8)? Will Tyra Banks’s never-say-die series America’s Next Top Model (5) actually die when it comes up against the grave sadness that is Faking An Illness (4) just to get more screentime? Do you consider Dancing with the Stars (6) more indicative of the state of American culture than Botched (3)? And is the American capitalistic way best represented by Shark Tank (7) or Top Chef (15)?

And now, from the Reality TV Casual division:

Will every last bit of TLC Programming (1) manage to outweigh the insanity that is Dinner Parties From Hell (8), which are so insane they’ve become a given on Bravo programming? Did Jersey Shore (12) have more of an impact than the general conceit of going on a show and having No Contact With The Outside World (4)? The Kardashians proper might be out of the running, but consider their famed television show Keeping Up With the Kardashians (6) over Not Being Here To Make Friends (3), the best mantra of all time. And Celebrity Rehab (10) certainly manages to tackle several aspects of American culture at large, but does it do so more than Being Upset About What Cast Members Said About You On Twitter (15)?

Shh, breathe, we’ll get through this together.

Whew, that was rough. Anyway, onto the Reality Business division:

With Teen Mom still in the race, it’s good to see that Teen Moms (1) is as well, going up against Non BCCed Group Party Emails (8). Will your love of Seamless aka Ordering In (5) overtake your love of quicker mental health fixes via Video Therapy Sessions (13)? I still can’t believe Shopping At Sephora After Work (11) is in the running, nor can I believe that Drug Store Brand Face Creams (14) is too, but I suppose it’s fitting that they’re up against each other now. And Sleeping With Your Coworkers (7) tries to knock out Jillian Michaels Workout DVDs (15)—somehow I think it’ll be easy, unless your butt has gotten very firm.

And in the Reality Casual division:

The horror that is Splitting The Check At A Group Birthday Dinner (1) tries to unseat the beauty that Manatee Beach (8). And two different relationship dilemmas go head to head: Defining The Relationship (12) vs. Having To Make Friends (13). Two very different social situations, Family Reunions (6) and Seeing Someone Naked For The First Time (3), do battle. And is the endless blah that is The Royal Family (7) more impressive to you than the miraculous sadness of Twins Separated At Birth (2)?

You have 24 hours to vote. Do me proud.

Illustration by Jim Cooke

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