March Madness: It's Time for Purple Drank and Vodka Tampons
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It’s only day three of Jezebel’s March Madness: Drugs vs. Alcohol and some of the races are already tight tight tight! Yesterday, Gin knocked Rum out of the running by a slim 131 votes! In this case, I’m sad to say that “close” earns you a big fat nothing. Sorry, Rum. We’ll catch up with you in mojito season.
The other competitions were far less neck and neck. Red Wine (full-bodied and pungent) tested and spat out its delicate counterpart White Wine, Sangria swallowed Frat Party Keg whole and, despite the better efforts of the Green Fairy, Jack Daniels easily took down Absinthe like a favorite whiskey (which, unfortunately, it’s not).
In the Drug conference, Quaaludes sleepily conquered over Ketamine, Bathsalts took a bite out of the face of Krokodil, Immodium pooped its way ahead of Ex-Laz and Vicodin (also a surprise!) stomped out Nicotine like a cigarette butt.
Here’s your updated bracket:
And now onto today’s competitions!
Over in Illegal Drugs, we start with Mushrooms (4) vs. Opium (13). Mushrooms, of course, are the psychedelic fungi that can make you trip balls in some very pleasant ways just so long as you avoid mirrors and negative thinking. If you’re me, they might make you feel like you’ve been camping in Central Park for weeks when in fact you’ve only been there for a couple hours. (Helpful tip: Don’t take mushrooms in Central Park!)
Opium, the drug of choice for Dorothy Gale and friends, is derived from the poppy flower and can be converted into heroin. It’s also the base ingredient in morphine, codeine, hydrocodone and oxycodone. In other words (as anyone who has seen Trainspotting or visited a 19th century opium den can tell you), it’s highly addictive, can really fuck you up and often proves lethal.
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Joining us next in the arena, we have PCP (6), the dangerous party drug commonly known as Angel Dust, stepping up — light on its toes — against trippy favorite LSD (11). It’s a tough vote — if it wasn’t for LSD, we’d never have The Beatles’ Revolver, but if it wasn’t for PCP, we wouldn’t have the best drug PSA of all time:
In Legal Drugs: PURPLE DRANK! Will Sizzurp (4), a mix of cough syrup and Sprite/Mountain Dew and the preferred sipping juice of Lil Wayne, manage to knock out America’s favorite anti-depressant Prozac (13)? Remember! A vote for Prozac is a vote for ALL anti-depressants, but a vote for Sizzurp is a vote for a generation.
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It’s the battle of the Vs! Making its first turgid appearance in the arena, boner pill Viagra (4) will attempt to penetrate its way through the easy-going, slow-beating heart of Valium (11). Valium’s not feeling too anxious about the fight, though. In fact, Valium’s never feeling too anxious about anything.
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Pour one out, bitches! It’s drink o’clock!
Kicking things off in Hard Alcohol: Like two sweaty, bloody gladiators fighting for their lives, Jungle Juice (4) — a mix of fruit juice and every kind of liquor you can steal from your parents’ liquor cabinet — is about to face off against the Russian Cotton Pony, better known as the Vodka Tampon (13). Sorry to editorialize here, but a vote for Vodka Tampons is a vote for your Jezebel community. Please don’t let us down.
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Also fighting to the death in the Hard Alcohol conference, we have Long Island Iced Tea (6) (basically a jungle juice that’s socially acceptable to order in restaurants) taking off her earrings (“Taw-mmy got them for me for ow-ah anniversah-ry.”) and smearing her face with vaseline in preparation to fight Scotch (11), pride of Scotland. You can try to take Scotch’s place in the next round, but you will never take IT’S FREEDOM.
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On! To! The! Soft stuuuuuuuuuuufffffffff!
It’s Guinness (4), a dark beer with a head as sweet as cream, gettin’ Fightin’ Irish with Four Loko (13), the now-illegal brand of alcoholic energy drink that will literally make you go nuts. I’m not too worried about this one, guys. Based on my own Irish relatives, I’m guessing that Guinness will throw a couple good punches then be sob-apologizing in minutes.
Then again, Four Loko is the definition of a wild card so who knows. It’s anyone’s game.
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Finally, we come to the wussiest of fights with Belgian white beer Blue Moon (6) clashing against the alcoholic sugar water known as Mike’s Hard Lemonade (11). I’d say it was a total toss up if it wasn’t for the time in high school where I drank Mike’s Hard Lemonade in a friend’s hot tub and then threw up in her parents’ sink. Hey Mike’s! You got my vote!
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You have a day to cast your votes! Don’t forget to print out your own bracket to follow along at home!
Art by Jim Cooke.