March Madness Drugs Vs. Alcohol: Don't Hate the Elite Eight

SPORTS LANGUAGE! EVEN MORE INTENSE SPORTS LANGUAGE! ALL-CAPS! WELCOME TO MARCH MADNESS DRUGS VS. ALCOHOL’S TOOOOOOOOOOP EEEEEEEIGHT.

We’re almost at the end of the road, gang, and what a road it’s been. You’d think — after already suffering so many losses — that it would be easy to say goodbye to our fallen drug and alcohol brethren and yet it still hurts!

Lost in yesterday’s competitions: Sangria, IPA, Scotch, Jack Daniels, Advil, Vicodin, LSD and Mushrooms. Departed inebriators, we salute you!

Here’s your updated bracket:

And now…your Elite Eight.

In the final Illegal Drug conference, we have two giants of the drug world stomping into the ring. Who will emerge triumphant? Jolly Green Giant Weed (1) or the Abominable Snowman Cocaine (2)?

Fee-fi-fo-fum, shit’s about to get REAL.

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In Legal Drugs: Caffeine (1) has been percolating and is finally both piping hot and ready to burn the bajeezus out of underdog Xanax (14), the anti-anxiety medication that yesterday — in a real upset — was able to knock everyone’s favorite painkiller Advil clean out of the running.

Sure, it might seem obvious to put your money on the trusty brown ground, but don’t underestimate the power of Lady X. That little pill is an easy to swallow.

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Onto alcohol!

Competing in the Hard Liquor arena, we’ve got top seed Margarita (1) facing off against second seed Vodka (2). This, my friends, is anyone’s game! Sure, vodka is the old standby for a fun night out and it never goes out of style, but can you think of anything you wouldn’t do for a cold, salted-rim margarita and a warm patio right now?

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Lastly, we have the Soft Stuff. First of all: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I am so happy that a shitty beer like Blue Moon beat a craft IPA in yesterday’s competition. Not because I’m not a fan of craft beer (I’m from Wisconsin, dog) or because I like Blue Moon (I don’t), but because I’ve spent my whole life hearing people go on and on about beer and I’m SICK of it. Oh, yeah, this is vindictive and personal. Shitty beer beats good beer! Dance on the good beer’s grave! (Okay, I have now pulled myself together.)

For those of you carrying a grudge for IPA (btw, I’m sorry about what I said before; you guys are great), today’s your chance for revenge. Blue Moon (6) is going up against the all-powerful Champagne (1). Thus far, champagne has managed to smash its competition (even red wine!) as efficiently as it smashes itself against the side of a brand new ship. Will it pop and fizz its way to a victory or will Blue Moon, the dastardly and efficient villain of the bracket, use its underhanded black magic to gain another W?