Man Vs. Wild (Woman): Intrepid Explorer Exposes Dangerous "Cheetahs"

Illustration for article titled Man Vs. Wild (Woman): Intrepid Explorer Exposes Dangerous "Cheetahs"

Explorers on the dark continent of dating have long known the dangers of the fearsome cougar. But a new menace lurks in the shadows: the cheetah. Luckily, one man has the balls to take this beast on.


Wilderness warrior Spencer "Crocodile" Morgan has risked life and limb to bring vulnerable males some much-needed details on the cheetah, via noted field biology resource The New York Observer. Below, a breakdown:

The behavior:

Cheetahs are apparently younger than cougars, but more dangerous. The cougar satisfies its mating instinct and then moves on to the next victim. Not so the cheetah:

Much has been made of the so-called cougar, the older dame, early 40s on up, who has developed a taste for the younger man-beast. Dana's hunting methods and psychology bear no resemblance to the cougar. As Seth aptly points out, "A cougar would fuck and then leave and not feel bad."

Instead, Seth awoke to Dana's limpid eyes, followed by an awkward kiss in broad daylight as the two parted ways on the street. The cheetah stays the night.

The hunting season:

I immediately thought of the widely held view that single women are keen to get their paws on a hunk of man to hunker down with for the winter months. I looked out the car window-it was raining. A cold, insinuating rain. The conditions were perfect for a cheetah to a strike.

Yes, winter is the cheetah's favorite time for hunk-hunkering. Her preferred weather? "Insinuating" rain. What is this rain "insinuating?" Perhaps it whispers, "don't pay attention to stupid trend pieces." Or, "holy shit, a talking raindrop!"

The method:

In order to snare their prey, cheetahs have evolved a mechanism known as "cock loitering."

"A cock loiterer is typically a girl who has recently come out of a relationship that she's been in for a long time, and she suddenly realizes that getting laid is not as easy as it once was," [noted cheetah expert A.J. Daulerio] explained. He noted that the cheetah hunts alone, and prefers gatherings where she can blend into the crowd until the quarry grow weak and sloppy. "You know, she's the type who'll come out to the sports bar for Sunday football and then, whereas most people will leave after the 12 o'clock game ends, she'll stick around for the 4 o'clock game," he said.


Other animals employ similar tactics — the "dick waiting" behavior of the Yellow-Bellied Dick-Waiting Armadillo, for instance, is well documented — but none is more dangerous than cock loitering. Many men whose cocks have been loitered on never recover.

The markings:

Cheetahs sometimes attempt to blend in with male humans. Writes Morgan,

The cheetah is most often a just-one-of-the-guys girl. That's her cover. In nature, a cheetah will lurk in the high grass and use her spots as camouflage.


Some very skilled cheetahs can actually change their skin color to mimic an Ed Hardy T-shirt. However, many also wear makeup. Daulerio describes one cheetah who "was notorious for looking dreadful without her makeup on." This is actually not unique to cheetahs. Iguanas are well-known for looking like shit without their mascara, and have you seen an owl when it gets up in the morning?

The experts:

For help warning the populace about this scourge of the savannas, Morgan enlisted "new-media mogul and man-about-town Lockhart Steele," "John Carney, of," and "A.J. Daulerio, who runs the sports news website" That these men all happen to work in media no doubt only increases their experiences with cheetahs, as large predators are noted readers of blogs (tigers really like Politico). That they are all personal friends of Morgan, and one another, should not invalidate his contribution to biological research. In fact, many advances in life sciences have been brought about by polling friends! Darwin's On the Origin of Species was actually based, not on many years of exhaustive field work as is often thought, but on a conversation Darwin had with some guys he met in a bar. In fact, the first edition really began thus:

Mr. Jonathan Smythe-Horton of Smythe-Horton's Dry Goods says, 'Finches look pretty at first — who doesn't want to take a cute little Geospiza conirostris home for a night of fun? But they're always Twittering about your relationship! And then they evolve into big fat hens who steal your money.'


The animal kingdom, dear readers, is a dangerous place.

Rrrowl! Beware Cougar's Young Niece, The Cheetah [NY Observer]



In the world of relationships I consider myself more of an LOLcat