Man Tries to Find Imaginary Girlfriend Who Definitely Does Not Exist

Imagine you are a man who was very recently a boy. You were born circa 1988, a golden year for babies. You are lonely. You miss the good old days, when women looked and acted the way you imagine women from the movies do if those characters were real. Women like Josh Hartnett’s love interest from 40 days and 40 Nights. Women like Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation. Women who are tall. Women who aren’t defined by “hipster culture.” A woman who is perhaps named Zoe. Where is your mythical unicorn now?

A young man has decided to attempt to his perfect fictional creature by wondering aloud into the ether of the internet through a Missed Connection entitled “Imaginary Girlfreind [sic]. Do you exist?” (Spoiler: No, she does not.):

We have been going out in my head since I was 12. We have aged and grown together. You are my safe warm place. I daydream about your fictitious character when the world gets dark. I think about us watching a movie that changed both our lives or how we back each other up in conversations with other people.

You are about 6 foot tall now. Short black hair with a bit of a fringe. Your skin is sallow. You dress well but you don’t let ”hipster culture” define anything you do. You like photography, and making music. You like Grouper, Health and japanese math-rock but you also have a long running teenage soft spot for the Goo Goo Dolls. Like my soft spot for Incubus. We both love to listen to Crack The Skye and just lie on my bed and talk and touch.

Your eyes are friendly, your character is warm, your sensitive but strong. You appreciate me as much as I appreciate you and I trust you to care for me. I trust you. You don’t mind that I cry. You are infinitely deep and love to discuss the nature of the universe late into the night just as much as I do. You are an innovator.

When I feel down, you make me salmon and water melon cuts with a glass of coke and we watch Lost In Translation for the millionth time. We like staying in. We like going out. We like cycling.

We plan to move to Japan someday and raise our kids in the suburbs of Tokyo. Art is not a hobby for us.

Our sex is intimate and monogamy is our fetish. We love to explore each other and love to experiment. I am in love with your butt and sometimes you get jealous. A young Shannyn Sossamon with the mind of Charlotte from Lost In Translation and the musical aesthetic of noise rock.

And for some reason you like tall, bald, skinny dudes with large noses?!?!?!

Your name is Zoe in my day and night dreams. It could be anything out here. Do you exist?

Won’t somebody have a heart and let him know that Shannyn Sossamon now plays a lesbian on the ABC show Mistresses? And that monogamy is not a fetish.