Man Stabbed in Dick 24 Times to Tame 17-Hour Erection

Here’s a story that you won’t soon forget: A man was rushed to the emergency room after sustaining an erection that lasted almost a full day. The way that the doctors had to bring him down will turn your stomach. Or give you sympathy pains. Look, it’s not good, okay?

First off, you need to know that this case of priapism was not meditated or medicated. The guy whose penis valiantly struggled from freedom just woke up like this and then couldn’t get the damn thing down, no matter what he tried. And he tried everything, including a brisk jog around the block (what must that have looked like?) and an ice bath (that looked like the Titanic, I tell you what). But none of those things helped poor Jason Garnett, who had to be driven to the hospital by his roommate. And things just didn’t go any better for him there.

According to The Sun via Metro UK, doctors had no choice but to stab Garnett with needles in order to lessen the pressure in his penis. According to Garnett, it was a truly painful experience (“a 10 out of 10”) and he had to undergo over 20 pricks before his penis could be vanquished. If you don’t have a penis, you may be feeling sympathy pain and that’s ok. Just go with it. Let it wash over you and disappear. Personally, I started sweating as soon as I started reading and am pretty sure I’m going to take an ice bath myself as soon as this is over.

The good news, I guess, is that Garnett is fine. His penis, he says, looks like it lost to Rocky in a fight. (Ok, he said “black and blue.” I took artistic license.)