Man Is Bummed Hannity Won't Accept His Friend Request

Want to read the Lamest Article Ever Written? Read on!

An article about collecting “celebrity” Facebook friends is bad enough. I mean, we all know people who are “friends” with Stephen Colbert or Dita Von Teese and for the most part it’s an ironic sign of fandom. Not so in Jeffrey Scott Shapiro’s deeply tragic Wall Street Journal article, which kinda pretends to be tongue-in-cheek but… isn’t. For one thing, all the “celebrities” he covets turn out to be right-wing politicos. He gets sucked in to the heady world of D-list “friendship” when some minor Bush relative links to one of his articles.

I couldn’t believe it — I was now friends with a member of the Bush family thanks to Facebook…After smooth-talking a cute blonde at the Capitol Hill Club on election night, I sent her a Facebook friend request. She accepted. The next day, I noticed that she was friends with former Republican House Majority Leader Dick Armey. I sent him a friend request and he confirmed me. Now, whenever I send a friend request to someone on the Hill, they can see right away that I’m friends with one of the most powerful Republican congressional leaders in recent history…They probably think I’m an important guy. I figure that what they don’t know can’t hurt them.

Um, just so, Sir. His list expands to Tinseltown – by which we mean Norm MacDonald and “a famous Hollywood actress” from Buffy. When he realizes that “friend” Charlie Sheen doesn’t have any current pics, he “became suspicious.” He – wait for it – contacts Charlie Sheen’s publicist, and is shocked to find that he’s not actually on intimate terms with with the Wall Street john.

Within a few hours I found out that my Facebook friend Charlie Sheen is not the real Charlie Sheen — even though the 1,481 people he’s friends with think he is. His profile is littered with sycophantic comments, thanking him for accepting their friend requests. I guess I’m not the only one seeking self-importance and validation.

Now, Shapiro is a macher: a man with Facebook connections to numerous Republicans and D-listers, which is essentially the modern equivalent of the Algonquin Roundtable. And yet, it all rings so hollow, somehow. “Sean Hannity can’t seem to make up his mind. He hasn’t confirmed or rejected me yet. I can’t help but wonder if he’s been busy, or if he simply hasn’t decided whether or not my reporting is up to par.” We feel you, Mister: the Damocles’ sword of Sean Hannity’s approbation hangs over our heads every day.