Man Engaged To My Little Pony Twilight Sparkle Defends Her Honor On The Internet

WHAT IS THE INTERNET, EVEN? I work for it, and I can’t answer this question.

While we’ve previously discussed the proud legacy of the bronies, a.k.a. bros who like My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic (who counts Andrew W.K. among their ranks), there’s something to be said for the Internet’s infamous Rule 34: if it exists, there’s doubtlessly a sexual fetish for it.

A man who refers to himself as the “fiancé” of purple pony Twilight Sparkle has contacted a user by the handle of Kevinsano on the online forum Deviant Art to stop drawing his pony-fiance in degrading sexual situations. It’s the oldest story in the world: two men who, under slightly different circumstances might have been the best of friends thanks to one major shared interest, find themselves battling for the affection of the cartoon pony they both fantasize about fucking. It’s how the Trojan War started, in fact.

In an email published in full, Mr. Sparkle (who enjoys taking his plush Twilight Sparkle on dates to “movies” and “vegetarian restaurants”) writes:

“Don’t get me wrong here. This isn’t a jealousy thing. I’m very secure in my relationship. I know without question that Twilight is just as faithful to me as I am to her… she’s very real to me and I know she’s not sneaking out in the middle of the night to go have kinky sex with some famous artist. What bothers me is that in all these […] images, Twilight is always depicted as if she was your sexual plaything. […] Twiley is a sweet and fairly vanilla little mare who I treat with the utmost love and respect, and she definitely does not deserve to be portrayed as some kind of sexual slave who likes being dressed up in sleazy attire, wearing a collar, getting sodomized and having her face ejaculated on. She’s not into that kinda stuff.”

I smell a Madonna/whore/cartoon pony complex. In conclusion, Mr. Sparkle:

“would really appreciate it if the next time your birthday comes around you would request that your clop artist friends (who like to give you sexually oriented pony art as gifts) draw some pony other than Twilight Sparkle for you.”

Friendship is NOT magic.

‘The Internet finally reaches its apex as man marrying My Little Pony character writes angry email to erotic pony artist’ [The A.V. Club]