Male German Soldiers are Growing Breasts

Men: have you always wanted to develop one— and only one— breast on the left side of your chest? Well, if you have an elite military training background, live in Germany or are willing to move there, you can now fulfill your dreams of single-boobery. But you have to act fast.

Dozens of soldiers it the Wachbataillon (German for man with one breast, you know how concise German words are) unit, which performs drill displays at official events, are developing breasts on their left side because of the way they drill. It turns out that repeatedly slapping your chest in the same exact spot with heavy rifles can stimulate glands to produce hormones and cause a condition called one sided gynecomastia. (I’m sure the Germans have a single word for it but I don’t know what it is.) The condition has been diagnosed in 74 % of Wachbataillon members who have gone to army medics because of their “developments.”

Director of plastic surgery at the military hospital in Berlin, Professor Bjorn Krapohl, said,

“There is a very significant link between the activity in the Guard Battalion and the development of the breast on the left side…. They need to change the way they drill. The constant slamming of the rifles against the left hand side of the chest is clearly a significant factor.”

The military have promised to research one-sided gynecomastia and change the drills if necessary. That’s comforting. Are they waiting for every single member of the unit to grow breasts before they actually change their drill practices? Maybe, in the mean time, they could at least switch it up a little and alternate the side of the chest that they hit so the men can at least grow a symmetrical rack.