London Olympics Opening Ceremony to Feature Long-Awaited Battle Between Mary Poppins and Voldemort

Illustration for article titled London Olympics Opening Ceremony to Feature Long-Awaited Battle Between Mary Poppins and Voldemort

When the Olympic flame finally reaches its 17-day home in London's Stratford district, it will be greeted by enough pomp and circumstance to permanently overstimulate even the most bizarre Olympics mascots. According to reports from people who have seen Opening Ceremony rehearsals, Friday night's spectacle will involve famous British literary characters kicking the everyloving Olympic shit out of each other, finally culminating in an epic battle between Mary Poppins and Voldemort. Probably don't drop acid before you watch the London opening ceremonies.


Olympic ceremonies are always weird, in a big budget pagan Mentos commercial directed by Baz Luhrmann sort of way — interactions are exaggerated, characters behave in bizarre ways while donning costuming designed by drunken sewing prodigies. There are acrobats and children joining hands in song to represent innocence and adult humans dressed in yards of flowing silk in sun colors to do a dance that represents FIRE (always a dance to represent FIRE or the SPIRIT OF COMPETITION) And no self-respecting Olympic opening ceremony would be complete without giant light up creatures that emerge from the ground, which Bob Costas explains in hushed, reverent tones are representative of some ancient native religion that was persecuted as witchcraft by the very people who are throwing the Olympics. And then somehow the giant thing is defeated by tiny things, which represent the Circle of Life.

This year's Summer Olympics will be kicked off with, from the sound of things, the most bizarre bit of pageantry since China picked a pretty little girl to pretend to sing a song sung by a less pretty little girl, to preserve the illusion that everything is perfect in China. Move along, folks. No human rights violations to see here. Hey, look! Giant CGI fireworks!

Anyway, according to a London newspaper, the VoldePoppins (MaryMort?) segment will feature several beloved characters from British literature including Alice from Alice in Wonderland, Captain Hook from Peter Pan and Cruella de Vil from 101 Dalmatians. But wait! There's more!

About 30 actors each depicting Mary Poppins, the magical English nanny played by Julie Andrews in the 1964 Disney film, will descend from the roof of the stadium on wires and "float" to the ground with their opened umbrellas. The nightmare will be banished and happiness restored. "It's a jaw-dropping sequence," said one source.

Will a disheveled Bridget Jones run wildly across the infield, giant Spanx nearly pulled up to her armpits, while Alex from A Clockwork Orange pursues her, laughing? Will a cartload of chiffon representing dead orphans be hauled across the stadium as an homage to Charles Dickens? We'll find out on Friday!



Erin Gloria Ryan

What bizarre pairings of British literary characters do you think would make the ceremonies even more WTF? Be creative.