Mitt Romney once seemed poised to be John McCain's Number 2, and not in the poopy way, but Sarah Palin reportedly got Joe Lieberman's sloppy seconds and Mitt Romney was left holding his balls after trying to curry favor for months with the guy he hated and who hated him. But enough people love their Mitt that he got a convention speaking slot to... accomplish whatever it is these speaking spots are supposed to accomplish Those accomplishments, or lack thereof, are after the jump.9:57 ET: She's out to the strains of country music, and so am I... at least until our Rudy thread. Bring your ferrets! 9:56 ET: Washington is broken and even though McCain's been in office in Washington for more than 20 years, he's not, like, at all part of the problem and choosing Palin shows it somehow. 9:54 ET: Alaska has the same electoral votes as Delaware. That's a slam on Biden? Also, by the way, Delaware is really small. Why is she shitting on Delaware? 9:52 ET: Palin's a great choice, people are standing, etc. I wonder if there are still people handing out free Coke Zero's outside of security. 9:51 ET: Apparently, Barack Obama and Joe Biden have any executive experience. Of course, neither does Senator John McCain, but shhhhhhh. 9:49 ET: Wasilla has 10,000 people, and Sarah Palin governed it. Of course, it didn't have that many people in 2003 when she left office, but whatevs. 9:48 ET: Governors deal with issues Congress members only talk about, like environmental policy and other things the federal government is in charge of. 9:44 ET: FACT CHECK TIME: Sarah Palin received 909 votes in her 1999 mayoral reelection race. Joe Biden got 2,328 votes in Iowa for his Presidential campaign in Iowa. It only took me this long to find because my internet connection is hella slow. Lingle's still going on about Palin's kids and ethics reforms. Not a great speaker, Linda Lingle. Second woman of the night to incorporate pink despite the red background. 9:42 ET: The crowd applauds for her beauty pageant days. 9:41 ET: She knows Sarah Palin. She's also ripping off Fiorina if she says it over and over again. 9:40 ET: Linda Lingle! It's ladies night again! She's gonna talk about Palin. 9:38 ET: John McCain sacrificed every single thing for all of us! Also elect him! He's out! 9:37 ET: Stupid long story about education and veterans and whatever blah blah blah lames but everyone applauds because the word "soldiers" inspires a Pavlovian response. 9:34 ET: Did you know John McCain was tortured? And that he didn't bend by renouncing his country or going home early? Definitely a night of new information over here. 9:33 ET: Sarah Palin got more votes for mayor in Wasila than Joe Biden got running for President. Gonna fact check that one. 9:32 ET: Abortion reference. Again. Before I started liveblogging, even the elected commissioner of the Texas railroads had an opinion on my uterus. 9:31 ET: Huckabee pretends he used to shower with Lava soap. If you don't get it, you're an elitist. If you do get it despite being an elitist, you roll your eyes. Also, he didn't sit around when he was poor and wait for the government to rescue him. What was the name of Reagan's fake welfare mom again? 9:29 ET: Barack Obama's "excellent adventure" to Europe. My, God, let's just put up a fence to keep us in, we wouldn't want to be polluted by strange and foreign ideas. 9:28 ET: Electing Obama is risky. Thanks, Mike Huckabee. 9:26 ET: He thanks us liberal elitist media for unifying to Republican party untied behind McCain-Palin. "The reporting of the last few days has been tackier than a costume change at a Madonna concert." Man, why does he gotta bash on my girl? 9:26 ET: Ha, ha, he wanted to be the nominee, but he's happy to be here to talk about John McCain. He's got character and "the stubborn kind of integrity" that we need or something. 9:25 ET: The Huckster is in the house! No sign of Chuck Norris, though. 9:21 ET: Funktastic wedding reception music plays. The only people apparently still dancing are those people trying to get on camera. 9:17 ET: Elitist media unable to identify the song. YouTube says: Rodney Atkins, "If You're Going Through Hell." Rodney doesn't explain what I'm supposed to do, though. 9:16 ET: American is the hope of the earth, and the Romneybot departs. Musical selection: something country. Some people are singing along. 9:15 ET: "Just like you, there's never been a day when I've not been proud to be an American." People cheer "U.S.A.!. U.S.A.!" again and we don't mention Michelle Obama by name. 9:13 ET: Republicans believe that there is good and evil in the world — Evil Empire, Axis of Evil and by the way, radical violent Islam is evil and John McCain will defeat it and everyone stand up and cheers and we're back to "U.S.A.!. U.S.A.!" just as the German reporter arrives again. Sigh. Also, it's cool to call Islam evil because that's "straight talk and not politically correct talk." Ugh. 9:12 ET: Government unions have "Tyranosaurus appetites." What? That was out of no where in the energy portion of his speech. Everyone stands up for grounding Al Gore's private jet. Romney oughta talk. 9:10 ET: "It's time for the party of Big Ideas, not the party of Big Brother." Umm, whose idea was the PATRIOT Act and the FISA bill? I think you meant "Big Government," only Bush expanded the size of our government too. I'm overthinking this, but I finally have an empty bladder so I have more intellectual energy. 9:09 ET: Umm, change comes from opportunity. I feel like there's always the opportunity to not be racist and sexist and plenty people choose not to change. 9:08 ET: Liberals don't have a clue. Also, he's quite shout-y tonight. Someone must've given the Romneybot some caffeine. 9:07 ET: Washington is liberal because of: Gitmo decision, limits on offshore drilling, government spending has doubled since 1980 (notably: 8 years of Dems in the White House in those 28 years) 9:06 ET: Screws up stupid rhyme scheme. Also, something about the sun will rise in the west because John is from Arizona and Sarah is from Alaska and it's a crap metaphor. 9:05 ET: With all the Mormon rumors and shit, he probably shouldn't start his speech with "Ann and I love you all." At least if he doesn't want me to snort. 9:04 ET: The first semi-deafening cheers of the night. Also, quite possibly the best ass of the night. Trying to find the boys in the crowd.
I know this probably means I'm nuts & take all this politics stuff way too seriously, but I actually spend THE ENTIRE HOUR IN THERAPY TODAY SCREAMING ABOUT PALIN!!!!
And the great thing is that my therapist (who is an older, feminist, former-HRC supporter like me) was freaking the fuck out too! I told her I wanted to pre-book emergency sessions the entire week after the election in the off chance McCain pulls this off. She told me that she couldn't commit to anything since she'd be checking herself into the psych center if that was the case! LOVE HER!