Media synergy mayhem! We could be talking about the prison system right now. But we're not. Larry King just interviewed Paris Hilton.
Overheard on my couch: "Oh stop humanizing yourself, I HATE it."
I would literally imagine that I was somewhere else "Yeah, like I was in Hyde, or ... like ... Area..and Nicky was there..."
"That's definitely one of her mom's blouses"
"Oh my god look at the crawl! Liveblog the crawl.." What's happening on the crawl? "Real world events that we should..." "20 dead in insurgent attacks in Iraq.." "21 bullet riddled bodies were found throughout Baghdad today.. so that makes 41?"
"This is like a bad valedictorian speech."
"I've always loved writing" — "KEEP YOUR DAY JOB.."
"Maureen, the news is she's smarter than the president. Like two or three levels above the president. It's not that bad. It's cliche-ridden, but... it's not that bad."
Look at her face! She's taken drugs. She can't say she hasn't taken drugs with a straight face......"You know, she lost a Bentley playing poker" ... Really?
"Did he just quote Marshall McLuhan?"
"He's fading....she's a marathon runner...he's old, he's losin' it.."
"A LOT OF GIRLS HAVE PROBLEMS — Another T-shirt!!"
"She's managing to preserve a distinct air of superiority throughout" — a dude
"She did that right. Are those really her notes? Forcing the tears.. But she's doing a good job."
"Ouch. it's like an Epilady.. are we on the old people channel?"
"Oh god this just reminds me that Anderson's gay.."
"Pandemonium" — good choice Sitrick! ok, WHY did this start before it actually was supposed to start? How were we supposed to get beer?
"They call it 'mystery meat' ... it's pretty scary"
So it's sort of a draw as to what the drinking game should be at this point. The obvious (invoking "God" i.e. "God does make everything happen for a reason") or the other obvious (invoking "myself" i.e. "I just really wanted to focus on myself") ....
"At Lynwood you have to talk behind glass, no matter what you're there for." Uh.... it ain't just Lynwood?
OH GOD I'M AN IDIOT. The obvious drinking game revolves around whether she expects to be treated like everyone else. Think she expects to be treated like everyone else? You motherfucking bet she expects to be treated like everyone else!
So she got a DUI with a .08 BAL? Really? Really truly? Who the fuck is driving around LA on a given night with less than .08% blood alcohol? I mean, the cool thing about living in LA — which is the same as the scary thing about living in LA — is that you're always seeing other drivers on the road who are aggressively so much drunker than you've ever been.
She just copped to the baby voice. "When I get nervous? My voice goes up?" So yeah, she sort of pre-empted it.
Ok so she just addressed the subject of Lindsay. "I know her." She mastered that. "I wish her the best." "I don't have any friends in rehab." So you're too wholesome for Lilo? Ok, we can accept that. You're kind of convincing. FUCK YOU. Jesus.
MAINSTAY. Another work of genius. "Too much too soon." Oh wow. Your face talking about Nicole, Paris, it's too much..are you really a person actually?
AUDACITY: "I get followed by the paparazzi all day; why would I have the audacity to drive with a suspended license?"
Chronicle of profundities:
"Don't serve the time, let the time serve you"
baby voice"I'm just gonna follow all of the laws"
"It is then only then that we find out who we are and what we're truly made of."
"I definitely wish I knew now what I did back then.."
"Sometimes I go down and that's something I'd like to change about myself."
"I've been on medication since I was a child" ADDERALL "Everyone I know with ADD takes it." AND EVERYONE WE KNOW *HAS* ADD THANKS TO YOU PARIS. HOOOOTTTTTT.
"I'm an Aquarius, we're social people.."
"I've always been religious, I went to Catholic school..I've always had a sense of spirituality"
MEMO TO LARRY KING AZT IS AN AIDS DRUG, ADT IS A HOME SECURITY COMPANY. ADDERALL IS NECTAR FROM THE GODS SO GET IT FUCKING RIGHT!
Did she just say she was going to go to mass? I really hope for the love of celebrity tabloids that she shows up at Paula Abdul's church.