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Liveblogging Limbaugh, Day 2: The Horror, The Horror

Illustration for article titled Liveblogging Limbaugh, Day 2: The Horror, The Horror

While the site was hiccuping yesterday, I was killing brain cells listening to Rush Limbaugh. You, lovely readers, were probably refreshing our site and cursing. So what follows is an encore presentation, Bingo game and all.


As with yesterday, you can play along with our Rush Limbaugh Bingo game — called "Ditto" — by picking a card at random. To change it up a little, make the following changes (if you need to):

  • Change "Howard Dean" to "Kathleen Sebelius."
  • Change "government spending" to "deficit."
  • Change "Speicher" to "elderly."
  • Change "lobbyists" to "statism."
  • Change "class" to "elitism"

The live-blog — and your game — begins below. May God have mercy on my soul.

2:59 pm: Oh thank God, he's done. Except... "the program never ends." It's like purgatory, it just feels like I'm in hell. But at least I'm free for now! Free at last!

2:55 pm: Oh, yes, you know it's a commercial break.

2:54 pm: Limbaugh has a ditto-head, and likes Laffer, astroturf and details. And he's bought that Dems invented astroturfing, as though it wasn't a lobbyist thing. Also, Dems scheme, etc, etc. Also, no Democrats are "people of faith."


2:53 pm: LaHood is apparently supposed to be loyal to the car companies Obama "owns."

2:52 pm: We're onto clunkers and Ray LaHood.

2:51 pm: Rush is on about Alabama, a bankrupt county and National Guard. Huh?

2:46 pm: Commercial break!

2:45 pm: It's all Socialism. Oh, and Obama plans to destroy all the current health insurance infrastructure.


2:43 pm: Oh, and Limbaugh's position is — I SWEAR — that we shouldn't insure 50 million "more" people because their won't be enough doctors for the people who could already afford health insurance. And so, instead of poor people dying, old people will be killed off.

2:42 pm: A caller swears she's "reading" this bill. Oh, and liberals want to take your rights away.


2:42 pm: DITTO players: statism

2:41 pm: Obama's voice gets sped up like a chipmunk, and Rush doesn't like cupcakes. Also, he repeats Helen Thomas's age, and says Obama will kill her if he can.


2:39 pm: ABC is state-controlled too, according to Limbaugh.

2:37 pm: DITTO players: Harry Reid

2:37 pm: Obama is encouraging all Democrats to lie. Also, to "shove it down their throats." Rush is really, really into deep-throating Obama.


2:36 pm: He calls Hillary voice shrill.

2:35 pm: Rush is re-rerunning the "humor" piece about how Obama is going to kill old people.


2:31 pm: DITTO players: recession

2:30 pm: Tom thinks the best way to stimulate the economy is to reduce the capital gains tax. Because, obviously, how much more people get back in tax refunds next April is the best way to stimulate the economy in August.


2:28 pm: Rush Limbaugh has gone emo, people.

2:26 pm: This dude is, like, seriously, seriously talking about every aspect of his personal unemployment. No wonder he stayed on the line for 2 hours and 20 minutes. And his wife says his self-esteem is really low and he's trying not to cry. Ummm, with his wife health insurance, maybe it's time for some therapy?


2:25 pm: He's not a whiner! He's sent 100 resumes and gotten one call back. You know, like everyone.

2:24 pm: Dude's wife is a "strong working woman" that's been supporting his ass while he listens to Limbaugh and holds on the phone. The man might lose his cable TV when unemployment runs out. Then they might have to do laundry less!


2:23 pm: Rush says that Obama is actively trying to keep people from getting jobs.

2:21 pm: This section of Limbaugh opens with music from the Go-Gos (sure they love that) and we go straight to a caller who's been on hold since noon. And dude is whining — while mouth-breathing — that he got laid off and is thinking of going back into the military. And he thinks Obama doesn't care if he has a job. Except, you know, he's going back in the military. So, he can get a job.


2:18 pm: MOMMY CARE, oh, God, when will it end?

2:16 pm: Limbaugh is getting the definition of astroturf organizing wrong (and makes a Clinton sex joke): astroturf organizing — developed for businesses lobbying efforts, by the way — is to gin up support for an issue by having dudes like Limbaugh talk about it ad nauseum and ad infinitum, thereby creating a movement for or against something that seems to start by people talking to one another but is really designed and led by opinion leaders. Sort of like Rush Limbaugh is doing by trumpeting these town hall meeting protests.


2:13 pm: DITTO players: David Axelrod

2:12 pm: Rush Limbaugh calls him a fascist, and then returns to town hall meetings and insulting Dick Durbin.


2:09 pm: Limbaugh just compared Obama and the health care reform to Iran. If you protest health care reform, you'll be the next Neda, dontcha know.

2:08 pm: Apparently, it's all very nefarious that the White House is attempting to debunk disinformation about health care reform.


2:07 pm: Limbaugh calls his show "the fastest 3 hours in media." Oh, hell, that's the biggest lie yet.

2:04 pm: MOMMY CARE, god fucking damn it.

1:59 pm: Rush thinks that Democrats hate insurance companies are hated because they're making profits, but not by ripping people off. Nope, not at all. Which reminds me, I've got to carve out a couple of hours to call my insurance company to remind them that they do insure me and are, indeed, obligated to cover my recent medically necessary biopsy that they thought I wasn't going to argue about.


1:57 pm: MOMMY CARE! Two days of Rush Limbaugh makes me want my mommy.

1:55 pm: It's commercial time again!

1:53: Rush's latest callers admitted they consider "town halls" a "protest" and they're organized by groups. Rush is like "these aren't community organizers or agitators," the subtext being they're not like ACORN. Of course, it hurts his line that it's all unorganized.


1:51 pm: Rush is now repeating himself about PeePee Jesus, and how the Democrats elect "disgusting" people (unlike Mark Foley and Larry Craig) and can't tell conservatives what to say. Like, word-for-word. I'm guessing he got his script pages mixed up.

1:50 pm: Rush Limbaugh refers to "Dick Durbin" as "Dick Turban." He's a Muslim, too, see? See?


1:49 pm: Democrats have contempt for Real Americans and don't know anything about what people want.

1:47 pm: There's a commercial for private jet time shares by an admitted former alcoholic old guy who mumbles like crazy. For real.


1:45 pm: Rush is claiming that the Democrats are hoping for violence at a town hall meeting to be able to demonize the conservatives to show up. After Tiller got killed, asshole, I kind of doubt that. He's gone to commercial now.

1:42 pm: Some lady from Dripping Springs, Texas is on the phone. She went to the Lloyd Doggett town hall meeting, and thinks that everyone there was individuals. Apparently, he held it in a grocery store parking lot without microphones. I've done one of those, and it went fine because no one booed anyone. "Many people became angry during the meeting" because he didn't know what they knew from listening to Rush.


1:42 pm: Also, Rush thinks that the government will assign you a doctor.

1:39 pm: Limbaugh says businesses will offload health care to the public option (except that, you know, it actually prohibits them from doing so); and now he says the dude will end up under the public option anyway despite being in a union that Obama loves. Or something. It's all quiet bullshitty and confusing.


1:38 pm: Some "entertainment industry" union guy says that he wouldn't give up his union-sponsored plan. That Rush thinks is paid for by his employer, but it actually isn't.

1:37 pm: Limbaugh thinks Al Gore should be in North Korea, and then makes fun of Clinton's voice.


1:36 pm: Apparently, Obama is withholding data on the cars purchased in the clunkers programs, which shows people are buying "foreign" cars, many of which are made in America, by the way.

1:36 pm: DITTO players: clunkers

1:35 pm: Limbaugh is doing a skit? It's about how Obama killed some old dude's wife. By a "white comedian." Big surprise.


1:31 pm: Commercial break.

1:29 pm: Keith Ellison talks about end-of-life care and talking with your family about your end-of-life wishes. That means the other evil Black Muslim wants to kill your parents. Because, really, DNRs and living wills are a terrible idea. Just spend, spend, spend on futile, painful and humiliating end-of-life care. That's the American Way.


1:27 pm: Rush Limbaugh is playing clips from a Keith Eliison town halls, and Rush is saying that Obama won't put his family into his public option, like that's even possible. Fun fact: Keith Eliison is an actual Muslim. Also, a woman says she is happy to go bankrupt to extend her father's life.

1:25 pm: DITTO players: Republicans

1:24 pm: Rush comes back to the strains to disco music. He's talking about Daryl Issa sending a letter to Rahm Emanuell accusing him of threatening people. Rush refers to it as "kneecapping" and — of course — forcing it down people's throats. Lady Gaga and Kid Cudi knows what he's talking about.


1:21 pm: And once you get your diet pills to radically reduce your weight and increase your sex drive, it'll be time for MOMMY CARE!


1:20 pm: Laffer's done, and it's time for another commercial break. "Attention female dieters!"

1:18 pm: Limbaugh thinks that Obama is a power-hungry dictator like Kim Jong Il and Hugo Chavez who doesn't care how many people suffer.


1:17 pm: DITTO players: Larry Summers

1:16 pm: Limbaugh wants to discuss the motivations of stimulus. Laffer thinks it's because all other economists are divorced from reality.


1:15 pm: DITTO players: stimulus

1:14 pm: DITTO players: Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush

1:12 pm: Art Laffer refers to "these people" when talking about the Obama Administration. Laffer wants non-doctors to perform medical procedures and prescribe medicine and tort reform. Laffer and Limbaugh want more Health Savings Accounts because it gives "power and control" to the patients by "allowing" you to use your own money to pay for health care without having to bother with that nasty pooling causing providers to lower costs.


1:10 pm: Laffer is arguing that the health care shouldn't be free to people because we use it too much when we can afford to pay for it. Not untrue, just a-ethical.

1:09 pm: Art Laffer is a dittohead

1:08 pm: So, Rush Limbaugh refers to Laura Ling as "a girl reporter" in a winking kind of tone, indicating Clinton's interest in their release is related to their gender. Also: he calls Hillary "the girl" and suggests that Obama dispatched her — for no reason — to Kenya to "kiss his father's grave" and ignores the fact that Bill Clinton's trip isn't an official visit. But whatevs.


1:08 pm: Ditto players: Hillary Clinton.

1:07 pm: DITTO players: Bill Clinton

1:07 pm: Yes, that was a 12 minute commercial break

1:06 pm: Patrick Warburton just voiced a forest ranger on a Smokey the Bear commercial I find Patrick Warburton extremely attractive. Please discuss.


1:04 pm: MOMMY CARE, bitches, do you not understand that not being there while your children grow up is the wrong choice?

12:56 pm: MOMMY CARE! Driiiiink!

12:55 pm: Yet another commercial break

12:54 pm: Rush says you're way more concerned about their jobs than health care.

12:52 pm: An ACTUAL dittohead says "Ditto!" And he's upset that Bill Press was on Fox News. And Rush — hilariously — says that Democrats are all reading off the same script, sort of like the ones the RNCs use to pass out to Republican talking heads in the Bush Administration (and still do).


12:52 pm: Art Laffer of the Texas Public Policy Foundation (a right-wing think tank) is going to talk about how the Obama health care plan in the nex y hours.

12:48 pm: Rush thinks Democrats just wanted you to "bow down and say 'Thanks for taking care of us.'" Man, Rush has some strange fantasies about what Democrats want him to do to them. Also: commercial break.


12:47 pm: Yeah, in fact, I know he's not quoting from the actual bill.

12:46 pm: By the way, Rush says that if you change jobs, you won't get to keep your same health coverage. Uhhhh, yeah. Also, he's reading from "the" House bill, but he doesn't identify which bill and LET ME JUST GUESS HERE, he's not reading from the one that's going through.


12:45 pm: By the way, even if we did go toward a single payer system, who exactly would be the doctors? The same doctors, right? Just asking.

12:43 pm: Also, Rush says if you don't have employer health insurance, you can only be insured by the government. Me and the 65 million other under- and uninsured Americans beg to differ, asswipe.


12:42 pm: Unions want to "upset" normalcy in America. They'd Obama's "buds".

12:42 pm: HAHA, by the way: America has the best health care system in the world. HAHAHA.


12:41 pm: Rush says that the Administration is "deceiving you" and wants to transfer your rights and liberties to themselves personally by saying that the plan allows you to keep your insurance, which it does.

12:40 pm: By the way, NBC is "state-owned media."

12:39 pm: Rush is now "imitating" Sebelius by speaking in a really high-pitched voice with a lisp.


12:38 pm: DITTO players: Rahm Emanuel, Kathleen Sebelius

12:36 pm: Rush really, really wants you to believe that Obama wants to eliminate private insurance, and attacking the White House press office.


12:35 pm: He didn't. He went back to the Jesus and pee-pee jar again. He's still pissed about that.

12:34 pm: In 2005, the Secret Service investigated an artist who created a piece of art showing Bush being threatened with a gun. He probably isn't going to mention the 33 death threats Obama gets every day.


12:31 pm: By the way, it's another commercial break and an ABC newsbreak.

12:30: DITTO players: liberals.

12:29 pm: "Obama is a big-eared idiot." Rush, by the way, uses a lot of sexual imagery to describe what he imagines Democrats want to do to him.


12:28 pm: "Why is it art when some guy dips a crucifix in a jar of urine... but a poster of Obama as the joker ... is over the line. That poster ought to be framed and hung in a museum! It's art, after all!"

12:27 pm: There's a commercial for poison control, telling you what to do if you've swallowed poison and regret it. Man, they know me so well already. I'm putting down the bleach now.


12:25: MOMMY CARE! It's drinkin' time.

12:23 pm: Rush is now quoting The Daily Mail. Also, Rush doesn't know why painting a black man in white face would be considered racist or offensive. And it's going to get "exciting" after this long, long commercial break.


12:22: DITTO players: blogs

12:21 pm: Rush Limbaugh thinks that Obama is the Joker from The Dark Knight because he: created chaos; wanted to change Gotham City in a way people didn't want; and wears masks. "This is his tactic for fooling white people."


12:20 pm: DITTO players: racist, George W. Bush

12:19 pm: Rush Limbaugh says that Obama's health care will make you all zombies. Rush is also not keen on logos and branding. He thinks it's basically all WWII-esque propaganda.


12:16 pm: Democrats are telling Americans "Screw you!" by passing health care reform because you don't want any changes to health care. Obviously, the 47 million uninsured or 12 million underinsured Americans don't listen to Limbaugh.

12:16 pm: DITTO players: Democrat

12:15 pm: Rush Limbaugh thinks the Democrats unruly mobs (booing and threatening them) are actually orderly. Obama is no longer a "community organizer," he's a "community agitator."


12:15 pm: DITTO players: Chris Matthews, health care

12:13 pm: Seriously, he's back on town hall meetings. Aaaaand, now we're back to Alinsky.


12:12 pm: Rush is freaking out about Saul Alinsky again. Get that? Obama = Jewish radical Communist.

12:11 pm: National deficit. I feel like we're in the way back machine. Amusingly, Limbaugh is now quoting Agence France Press, but he calls the Associated Press "state-run media." Also, he's bitching about companies offshoring.


12:11 pm: DITTO players: Barack Obama deficit

12:10 pm: He's talking about how you don't have any money anymore and aren't spending it. There's no recovery.


12:09: DITTO players: taxes, economy

12:08: DITTO players: Washington Post

12:07 pm: And the game's afoot. Rush Limbaugh thinks you should trust your feelings. Because you're smart, see?


12:04 pm: The Mommy-Care-Not-Day-Care bitch is back. Feel free to fantasize about violent revenge.

12:01 pm: ABC News reports, and I'm spared from listening to Limbaugh for a couple minutes. They're reporting on Bill Clinton's private trip to North Korea (at Al Gore's request) to get Laura Ling and Euna Lee released; the Sotomayor vote this afternoon; cash for clunkers; mortgage modification; and the stock market. Now we're back to commercials. Fun fact: Hot 97 (shouted out by Jay-Z in "Death of Autotune") also airs commercials for "My Baby Can Read."

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Dick Turban makes me want to create an entire line of little hats for penises.