Stop! It's Maverick time! Cindy will introduce the film to introduce her husband who will apparently talk forever and a day but I am such a dedicated blogger that I will mock the thing in its entirety while the energy brought to me by my bag of Twizzlers and my double cappuccino slowly dies, like the light in my eyes and the hope in my heart.11:16 ET: There is still a fuckload of balloons in the rafters. They're recycling songs now, and I still need to leave the secure area to get some goddamned liquor, so I'll let the delegates play with balloons while I try to find the bus to my party. I'll see you all in Crappy Hour tomorrow and promise to be appropriately hung over. 11:12 ET: Gold confetti streamers shoot at the crowd. I realize that the system dropped the post for a few seconds. 11:08 ET: Balloons and confetti continue dropping to "Barracuda." 11:07 ET: Balloon drop! Its the real moment everyone's been waiting for, except for the janitors that will have to clean those and the confetti up in a couple of hours. 11:04 ET: "Raising McCain" starts playing (again). Cindy comes out. They stand and wave. The out come Sarah and Todd Palin. Cindy walks to stand on the other side of John so he's next to Sarah Palin for the photo op and he puts his hands on Cindy's waist and moves her back again. She smiles embarrassed. 11:02 ET: He invites the crowd to fight with him and they stand up to cheer, and he talks through the cheers because prime time is over. I don't really know what he said because I couldn't here. 11:00 ET: He's not running for President because he thinks he was annointed by God or anything like Obama supposedly thinks. Please see time stamp 10:10 to recall the point where the narrator said that he was American's good fortune. 10:58 ET: Tortured so bad he broke, but Bob Kramer helped him get over it. 10:57 ET: Really Tortured, yo. 10:56 ET: Did you know John McCain was really tortured? And he served in Vietnam. 10:55 ET: John McCain's an imperfect servant. 10:53 ET: Did you know John McCain was tortured? "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" Also, some people are shouting "zero, zero" about Obama. Laaame. 10:52 ET: America is great and perfect, we just need to change everything about it. You know, if he were a woman talking about the man she planned on marrying, I'd be warning them not to go through with it. Don't go through with it America! 10:50 ET: He hates war. He doesn't want other families to suffer the way his did, unless their kids are in Iraq right now, in which case, you know, it'll be ok, he'll totes pull out by 2013. 10:49 ET: Eeeeevil exists! John McCain knows how to fight it! Flashlight under the bed, for real. 10:48 ET: Iran, Russia and Georgia. Believe that Randy Scheunemann wrote this part since, um, he just ignored the part where Georgia crossed into non-Georgian territory first. Ahem. 10:46 ET: "It's time to show the world again how Americans lead." You can't really lead at the point of the gun, though, 'cause technically for it to work you have to be behind the other person. 10:45 ET: Drilling gets big cheers and they break out into "Drill, baby, drill!" People applaud new nuclear power plants. 10:43 ET: School choice is not a big applause line. Six people applaud charter schools. I think this issue isn't that exciting anymore. 10:40 ET: He's going to change the unemployment system. But I'm sure in a way that will be totes better for the unemployed. 10:39 ET: Obama's plan with make it so a bureaucrat stands between you and your doctor. People boo. Show me a private insurance plan where a bureaucrat doesn't stand between me and my doctor, John McCain. Oh, wait, right, you've never had private health insurance. Never mind. But I'm sure having government bureaucrats doing it has been so very tough on you. 10:38 ET: They see nothing ironic in a minute later McCain saying that government shouldn't make your choices for you. 10:37 ET: Abortion mention! 10:36 ET: "[From random white people] to the Latina daughter of migrant workers, we're all God's children and we're all Americans." Except for maybe that Latina's parents. 10:36 ET: "The party of Lincoln, Roosevelt and Reagan is going to get back to basics." I don't really know what that means. 10:33 ET: Shout out to "real" people. 10:32 ET: Did you know he was tortured? 10:31 ET: He was right about The Surge, and would rather have lost an election than the war, blah blah blah. 10:29 ET: He's been called a maverick. About 100 times tonight. It's because he doesn't work for the party, "it's because I work for you," he tells a room full of Republicans. 10:27 ET: Change is coming to Washington because Palin is coming to Washington. Or something. 10:24 ET: It's all about Sarah. People are seemingly more enthusiastic about her than McCain. 10:23 ET: Another protestor made it in and gets shouted down again. She's up in the stands on the other side of the stadium. McCain tells people "Please don't get distracted by the ground noise and the static. I'm going to talk about it some more because Americans want us to stop yelling at each other." People cheer. He starts up again, the yeller keeps yelling, and the cheers start up again. 10:21 ET: "We are dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal." Nice Gettysburg/Lincoln shout out. It's the first subtle reference of the night. Also, when he says that "we are going to win this elections," the cheers are legit loud. 10:20 ET: He loves his mama, and she's 96 years old. Also, he won't let down the supporters who stood by him when the odds were down. Ahem. Well, that's not that many people in this room, probably. 10:18 ET: Protester led away. John thinks Cindy's awesome and will make a great first lady. 10:17 ET: The sign got yanked out of his hands. The protestor shouts again. The crowd starts cheering to drown him out. John McCain starts up to be nice ato GWB, Laura, GHWB and Barbara. The protester guy is still there 3 minutes later. 10:15 ET: Cheers end. Now's a good time to point out that he's standing at a podium and I can see his ass. It's the first ass of the night. A protester begins yelling above my head. The crowd drowns him out. Republicans around him try to grab his sign. Security still not there a minute later. 10:14 ET: "U.S.A.! U.S.A!" 10:13 ET: Palin got much louder cheers last night, but John McCain is probably just a little deaf so he can't tell. 10:12 ET: Tortured in a Box. "When you live in a box, you spend your life trying to make sure that other people don't have to." Unless they are brown and from the Middle East. Then, fuck those guys. Torture away. 10:11 ET: Really, really tortured. 10:10 ET: "What a life, what a faith, what a family. What good fortune than America will choose this leader at this time." What good fortune that I didn't throw my coffee cup away so that I have something to vom in. 10:08 ET: No, really, he was tortured. Really, really tortured. 10:07 ET: Did you know John McCain was tortured a lot? 10:06 ET: Did you know John McCain was tortured? 10:06 ET: They show a picture of a young Roberta. Yowza. She was a total hottie! 10:04 ET: The movie starts! It's the "Dallas" music again. Who shot J.R.? Some people call John McCain an asshole, but his mama calls him a mama's boy. More Roberta, Steve Schmidt, you asshole. 10:02 ET: "Rock This Town" plays, I'm 90 percent certain it's the Brian Setzer version (again) but feel free to correct me in the comments. Nah, it's definitely Brian Setzer and not the original. 9:59 ET: Kool and The Gang "Celebrate" good times with the Republican convention. People shout "Whoo-hoo!" off-key. 9:56 ET: Chuck Berry's "Johnny B. Goode." Less inspired dancing than "Rock Around The Clock" got last night, but some people are catching the significance of the chorus and singing along "Go, Johnny, go, go!" 9:55 ET: Bye, Cindy Lou Who! We'll see you at the end of John's interminable speech... 9:55 ET: She's gonna protect our freedom, too! Just not our reproductive freedom. 9:52 ET: Cindy makes the audience applaud Earnestine from Kigali. Least authentic applause all night even though Earnestine seems awfully worth applauding — more so than insults about community organizers anyway. 9:50 ET: Another report leans over and asks, "So do you think that Bridget represents 10 percent of the diversity here tonight?" Cindy says "Viet-namn" again. 9:50 ET: You know, I always sort of wondered why she only kept Bridget. Was the other Bangladeshi girl not good enough? Okay the smirking way she mentioned Bridget made me cringe. 9:46 ET: Did you know John McCain was tortured? (Also... she called it "Viet-namn" instead of "Viet-nahm.") 9:45 ET: Hockey mom! Pistol packin' mother of 5! International experience? Pshaw. Bitch hunts meese. 9:44 ET: Shouts out Sarah Palin: "I've always thought it's a good idea to have a woman's hand on the wheel as well." What is "wheel" code for? Penis? 9:42 ET: She hit a home run by marrying John McCain. Really? 9:41 ET: She's kind of a stiff speaker. She would be better with a platform than a wireless mike, even though you'd see less of the suit. 9:36 ET: She sort of makes low-income America sound like a third world country. Also, her solution is to get government out of the way of people trying to help... like community organizers, perhaps? 9:35 ET: You gotta give Cindy props on that suit. She looks fucking excellent. They also got even his first kids on stage. 9:34 ET: The also skip the drug addiction part when showing her with the medical supplies and stuff. 9:32 ET: Cindy does good things! And had short hair! I liked short-haired Cindy, actually. 9:31 ET: The skip over the part where he was married when they met. Also, they call him "handsome." They showed pictures, and we in the snark section beg to differ. 9:30 ET: "Cindy Lou Hensley got all the attention of her father." Totes true - just ask her half sister. 9:28 ET: Cindy McCain's real middle name? Lou. I didn't know that when I titled this post! Also, Cindy's dad was shot down, like JOHN MCCAIN, only he wasn't tortured. I do believe they are eliding over her dad's first wife. Whoops.
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