I spent much of George Bush's speech messing with my crap Internet connection and staring at him smirking on TV, so let me recap: he and Laura like John McCain. The new drinking word is "hero." I'm back in the media stands staring at everyone's butts: Laura's seemed perfectly nice. Apparently, the mean old lefties won't break John McCain's spirit. It's too bad I'm without Diet Coke because Fred Thompson could put anyone to sleep that survived the "inspirational" Ronald Reagan tribute video. My attempts to remain awake are after the jump!10:34 ET: John McCain can't raise his arms, so we should raise ours... no, not just one of them! That looks bad. And, he strides off stage. No basking in the crowd for him, he has a hot wife to get to. 10:33 ET: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do to elect John McCain 10:31 ET: John McCain is going to shake something by the scruff of its neck (Fred Thompson: lots of scruff). Also, another standing ovation for anti-abortion rhetoric — he mocks Obama's "above my pay grade" comments on abortion, because Republicans know everything about God and would never admit otherwise. 10:30 ET: Another standing ovation for how taxing businesses is really taxing people. No really. 10:28 ET: Another standing o. Congress is unpopular and hasn't done anything, which is historic. Fred Thompson might have wanted to pay more attention during his tenure. Also, Fred Thompson says the Democrats don't have new ideas. Not that the Republicans do, really, they've both been peddling this same old shit for years. Fred skipped that last part. 10:27 ET: "A man who never quits is never defeated?" Yes, he can be. One who doesn't play... Oh, now we're mocking Obama's speech in Berlin, I think. 10:26 ET: People in Washington are self-serving. Ummmmm, Fred? Pot, kettle, etc. 10:25 ET: "That is character you can believe in." Guess we're off hope. Does the GOP write their own lines anymore, or just parody Obama's? 10:24 ET: John McCain was right about the surge, Fred says. People start chanting "U.S.A.!" Fred shuts them up with a wave of his hand. 10:22 ET: "Strength, courage, humility, wisdom, honor." Can we trust John McCain? A convention hall filled with people fills with applause. I guess that means yes. 10:19 ET: Seriously, these Twizzlers are a Godsend. "We hear a lot about Hope these days. John McCain knows a lot about Hope." Sir, I met Hope. You, sir, are no hope. My GOD, does it really matter how he was tortured? Blah blah, yes we know. Does he have policy suggestions? Positions on issues of importance to our country? 10:18 ET: John McCain was captured by the Viet Cong. Did you know? They tortured him. Wow, guess he should be President, then. 10:15 ET: McCain may have rebelled, driven a fast car and fucked a stripper, but he never broke the honor code. Also, the woman next to me has an open bag of Twizzlers. Her name is Christie and she works for Politics magazine and she saw me staring with longing and gave me one. 10:14 ET: John's mother Roberta McCain is here. Mama Biden kicks more ass though. 10:12 ET: "They're going to drain the swap." Drink a half a shot for an old Washington cliché from an old Washington cliché 10:11 ET: Palin's drinking word: reformer! Slam 'em if you got 'em. 10:10 ET: Oh, wait, here comes the mention of Bristol. Somehow that turned into a slam on Joe Biden. People cheer. 10:09 ET: Just because the Dems say they suck and have problems doesn't mean they aren't Proud To Be An American. Oh, and everyone is screaming and shouting for Palin. 10:08 ET: Gulf Coast, needs help, blah blah. 10:07 ET: It's Thompson time. There are a lot of people shouting behind me.
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Oh, great, now we're on to baby-killing.
Dear Fred "Wet Fart" Thompson,
ABORTION is not about KILLING BABIES.
KILLING BABIES is about KILLING BABIES!