Liveblog: Season 4 Premiere of Scandal

THIS IS NOT A DRILL PEOPLE. Put on your cream loungewear, grab a bottle of red wine and prepare for Kerry's beautiful lip quivers.

9:00 Olivia is rocking her natural hair so you know she's feeling free and relaxed.

9:02 100 miles off the coast of Zanzibar #whereonearthisoliviapope

9:03 Jakes is like the ultimate rebound. Doesn't he know that those beautiful puppy eyes of his don't stand a chance against the immaculate hairline of Fitzgerald Grant?

9:07 MELLIE DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK. And she's saying "sister"? Here for it.

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9:09 Portia de Rossi in the building on her broomstick and very high hair.

9:11 "Go home, Quinn." Thank goodness somebody finally said it.

9:15 Be careful in that coat, Olivia!

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9:17 "I did not kill Harrison. I did, however, take care of your mother." -Father Of the Year, Papa Pope

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9:20 Who was cleaning Olivia's apartment while she's been gone?

9:22 The amount of shit that has already happened in only the first 22 minutes is mind-boggling. Shonda and company have no chill.

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9:26 Half-dead senators are so inconvienent

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9:29 Mellie is all about the Uggs now. Does that make her a basic bitch?

9:30 Shonda is aiming right for your tear ducts right now.

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9:35 Scandal coming in with the incredibly timely sexual assault storyline.

9:37 "I'm the one who makes you moan." Jake is getting real bold up in here.

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9:39 I'm starting to feel like all this red wine isn't a suggestion, but a prescription. This show is stressing me out.

9:43 Ok, Columbus is feeling left out, I get it. But you're gone, boo.

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9:44 Abby: I have red hair.

David: You have a colorist.

DAVID ROSEN WITH THE SMACK DOWN.

9:46 RIP Harrison. Also, I'm not saying this shouldn't have taken Olivia too much time to plan, but...

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9:51 Jake lives his whole life hoping that Fitz won't show up and ruin his party.

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9:55 "Dead kid. Missing mistress. Fitz's suicide. Mellie's rape." The Fitzgeralds have some issues, y'all.

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9:56 "When you stick your hand down my panties, another thing I don't do anymore is wax. It is 1976 down there." Mellie with the Ether.

9:57 Does anyone else not understand who exactly Portia de Rossi is?

9:59 OMG GUYS. I NEED MORE WINE.

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