Live Blog: The 19th Annual MTV Movie Awards

Good evening! Aziz Ansari is on hand to host tonight’s ceremony, which promises to feature movie spoofs, sparkly vampire and Harry Potter previews, the Jersey Shore crew, and lots of golden popcorn.

11:02 So here’s a basic roundup of the show: there were a ton of videos clearly designed for maximum internet viral potential, Twilight won everything, I feel 278 years old, MTV really wants us to watch a show about a geek with a huge dick, everyone swore all night, because that’s really edgy while you’re promoting your upcoming film, Tom Cruise and Jennifer Lopez danced and brought us all back to 2002, Sandra Bullock’s speech was sweet, funny, and classy, Christina Aguilera wore a light-up heart on her vagina, and the Deathly Hallows trailer was awesome. Thanks for watching with me tonight! Now let’s never speak of this again.

11:01: People are dropping F-bombs all over the place, and MTV is missing them like crazy.

11:00: And New Moon wins best movie. Just for some perspective, in 1995, Pulp Fiction won this award.

10:58 Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are here to present the award for Best Movie. This is so weird. It’s like everyone’s “cool dad” showed up, or something.

10:51: And Zach Galifianakis wins for Best Comedic Performance. Wisely, he is not there, so Aziz Ansari accepts on his behalf, in character.

10:48: Yet another video, this one featuring Aziz Ansari has Zach Galifianakis’ “swagger coach.”

10:48 This ape puppet is really annoying. Triumph you are not.

10:40: I feel like this performance could easily be a Rihanna performance. Or a Gaga performance. That’s not a slam on Christina, though. It just seems that EVERYONE’s doing the “I’m a pop star from the year 2090” thing lately. It’s like the late 90s, when every boy band member came out wearing flowing linen pants or something.

10:39 Ed Helms and McLovin’ have just introduced Christina Aguilera. The internet is probably already exploding with “OMG SHE STOLE THIS FROM GAGA” nonsense.

10:36: Best Male Performance goes to: Robert Pattinson. They should really just re-name this show “The 90 Minute Commercial For Eclipse, Featuring Some Other People, Too.”

10:35 Vanessa Hudgens and Jessica Biel are presenting thezzzzzzzzzohmygodtheyareboringmetotears.

10:34: Everyone in the audience looks kind of bored.

10:32: The Jersey Shore kids actually seem to have more personality and natural presence than the majority of the young stars at the show tonight.

10:28: The Twilight trio has arrived to premiere their Eclipse trailer, which is totally whatever because the Deathly Hallows has already won the evening.

10:27 How the hell was Angelina Jolie even nominated for Salt? That movie hasn’t even come out yet.

10:25 Jaden Smith, Jackie Chan, and Shaun White are on hand to present the award for Biggest Badass Star. It goes to Rain.

10:22: The overarching comedic style of the evening seems to be “I’M GOING TO YELL AND IT’S GOING TO BE FUNNY! IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE I’M YELLING!”

10:20 Ooh! “Fuck” and “shit” just got past the MTV censors, thanks to Mark Wahlberg.

10:19: Tom Felton wins Best Villain. 10 points for Slytherin!

10:17 Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg are suspended from wires, and Samuel L. Jackson, the Rock, and Eva Mendes are below them. Eva’s dress is super shapeless, which means we’ll be seeing a lot of “Is Eva Pregnant?!?” headlines tomorrow.

10:16 I can’t decide if this show isn’t funny, or if it’s just not funny because I’m 29 and clearly not in the target demo.

10:14 Avatar jokes feel kind of old at this point, yeah?

10:13 Aw! Ken Jeong’s speech is very sweet—he mentions his wife’s battle with breast cancer, cries a bit, and then says that his wife has been cancer-free for two years.

10:12: And Ken Jeong wins for Best WTF Moment.

10:11: They’re really overdoing the swearing bit. It’s funny in moderation. A bleep every 5 seconds is really annoying. I know this is the WTF award, so it makes sense, but it’s not as funny when they’ve been bleeping like crazy all night.

10:11And now Sandra is kissing Scarlett Johansson. “Ok, now that we’ve done that, can we please go back to normal?” Bullock asks, “Go back to making fun of me.” She then closes by asking for people to pray for those who are dealing with the BP nightmare. Very sweet, very classy. Also, she’s the first person, I think, all night, who has mentioned the oil spill.

10:07 Sandra Bullock looks great. “No matter what you may have seen or heard or read lately, I love what I do, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Internet, will we ever be the same?

10:01: “Sandy, what can I say? You are grace defined and I adore you madly.”- Betty White

10:00: I kind of wish they had Keanu Reeves giving her this award.

9:59: Betty White, ScarJo, and Bradley Cooper are here to present the MTV Generation Award to Sandra Bullock. The crowd is already going crazy.

9:55 The Human Giant boys are back with a new skit about “Stunt Kidz.” This whole show really does seem designed for the internet, with fewer performances/live skits and more potential viral videos.

9:51 Ok, I’m pretty sure she’s not lip-synching. The backing track is just really loud. Do California girls love this song or hate this song? Nobody ever wrote a “Connecticut Girls, we eat at Friendly’s” song when I was growing up, so I have nothing to compare it to.

9:49 Katy Perry is dressed like a Lite-Brite Wonder Woman and she’s flying on a surf board. Is she lip-synching?

9:48 I think Jason Segel is trying to act like a super fan of Miranda Cosgrove, but he’s coming off as a creepy older dude and she’s coming across as genuinely uncomfortable.

9:46 Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson win Best Kiss. There are a lot of intense girl screams from the audience. And, after a long and awkward build up, they kiss. Kind of.

9:44Bradley Cooper and Jessica Biel are set to present the award for Best Kiss. They just put a “kiss cam” on the celebrities in the audience, which led to a VERY awkward moment between Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, who both looked like they were being forced to kiss a steaming pile of toxic waste or some such.

9:42 There’s such a weird generation gap going on at this show—it seems like everyone is either 20 or 40.

9:40: Who does Coke think they’re fooling with these Simpsons commercials? Everyone knows Buzz cola is the preferred drink in Springfield.

9:37: DEATHLY HALLOWS PREVIEW!

9:35 Steve Carell and the always-dreamy Paul Rudd have arrived to present the award for Best Scared As Shit Performance. And the award goes to: Amanda Seyfried for Jennifer’s Body.

9:33 I feel like we’ve just been sent back to 2002. Like Ja Rule is going to come out and everyone is going to lose their minds.

9:32: You know that half of the people in the audience were like, “Oh shit, that song was my jam when I was 12.”

9:29 Oh, dear. Now Jennifer Lopez is on the stage, and Cruise is dancing with her. This is just so…sad. And weird. When did this song come out, anyway? Like 5 years ago?

9:26 Ed Helms is now playing the piano, singing his song from The Hangover, dressed like an Elton John/Liberace hybrid, while Ken Jeong dances around in a tiger leotard. And now Tom Cruise is back, for some reason. And, oh GAWD, he’s wearing a chain and he actually just said, “Yo yo, playa!” to Ludacris. And now he’s dancing. Oh, dear. Oh, my. I am so embarrassed. For everyone. For the universe, really.

9:23: And the award for Best Breakout Star goes to: Anna Kendrick, who claims that “this is the coolest moment ever.”

9:21:Jonah Hill, Russell Brand, and Diddy have arrived to promote their new film announce the nominees for Breakout Star or something. They are making Team Edward/Team Jacob jokes. And Jonah Hill just compared Team Edward/Jacob to Israel/Palestine. And now Diddy is pulling the whole, “What is this Twilight thing?” And Russell Brand is explaining that Team Edward/Team Jacob is much like the East Coast/West Coast rap wars of the 90s. This is really kind of painful.

9:17 How do we feel about Lohan’s sparkly jumpsuit?

9:15 WTF is up with this set? I feel like I’m trapped in some cyberpunk version of SportsCenter.

9:14 And Best Female Performance goes to: Kristen Stewart. “I guess Twilight is really awesome and I agree?”

9:12 Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, and basically everyone else who was on SNL in 1993 are now promoting their film, Grown-Ups. It’s kind of awkward in that they’re trying to act like they needed to learn how to be grown-ups, yet in reality they’re old enough to probably be fathers to 98% of the audience.

This outfit is most definitely a situation.

9:07 …and we have our first Bieber sighting/Bieber joke of the evening. It most certainly won’t be the last.

9:05 Aziz Ansari appears in the second movie spoof video of the night, which leads me to believe this show will be very video-heavy. My guess is that they want the clips to go viral online. Aziz is now stepping into several movies, including Precious.

9:01 It’s only 9:01, and I already kind of hate that creepy popcorn guy.

9:00 And here we go. Tom Cruise is reprising his Les Grossman character from Tropic Thunder, for some reason. He’s pitching insane movie ideas to Taylor Lautner, Robert Pattinson, Jaden Smith, and Michael Cera. And Bill Hader is there! Bill Hader should be everywhere, really.

8:00 So hey: the live blog isn’t actually going to start until the show begins at 9pm, but feel free to use this thread to discuss this somewhat weird Jersey Shore pre-show/red carpet biz that’s taking place right now. Snooki is wearing Dolce & Gabbana, if you must know.