Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Liv Tyler Is A "Pale Fattie" With A "Hilariously Small Head"

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Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week? Pregnant still=fat. WTF people?? Also, Celine Dion must be an animal, since she has body hair; Jamie Lynn Spears must be a Star Wars villain, since she is pregnant; and Liv Tyler is a "pale fattie." All this and so much more, after the jump. Let the Jezebel justice system begin!

The Accused: DListed

The Crime: Disrespecting the Queen of Soul.

The Evidence: "Aretha Franklin better unlock the bra, because someone is in dire need of a titty slapping! ... Aretha won't be homeless, but if she needs dough I have a suggestion. Motorboat videos! Aretha's gigantic chichizillas were made for boob sexing." Honestly, words cannot convey accurate feelings about this, so I'm reduced to using an emoticon.

: (

The Sentence: A day spent shopping for a comfortable, supportive, attractive, full-figured bra. So fucking hard to find!


The Accused: The Skinny

The Crime: Monitoring a pregnant woman's weight gain ounce by ounce.

The Evidence: "Contrary to what I said in my last Jessica Alba post, she does now seem to be gaining weight all over." Well, she is feeding a parasitic human. What do you expect?

Additional Crime: Alluding to the fact that Lauren Conrad may be heavy.

The Evidence: I've gotten a few emails from people saying that Lauren Conrad is piling on the weight. ...She does look a little heavier since the last time we saw her..."

Combined Sentence: A vacation. Seriously. If she thinks that pregnant is fat and LC is fat, Rian needs to step away from the celeb pix and dig her toes into the sand. As do we all.

The Accused: Yeeeeah

The Crime: Mocking a woman's incredibly normal and oh-so-fine and really almost transparent body hair.

The Evidence: "Well, my early childhood mind always imagined that poor bare Fuzzy Wuzzy looked a lot like [Celine Dion] from the knee up. Mostly skin from far away, but up close, covered in an almost transparent downy fuzz, like an old man's ear canal or a fetus left in utero too long. Unfortunately, [Celine] finished gestating close to 40 years ago, so chances are she just forgot to shave above the knee for the last two or seven months." Listen, it's not normal for women to be completely hairless. Also, this is clearly a case of odd lighting. But! In any case! Who shaves above the knee???

The Sentence: Being repeatedly nicked by a razor while slathered in sting-inducing antibacterial soap.


The Accused: Yeeeah, a second charge!

The Crime: Equating pregant with fat; comparing an impregnated teenager to Jabba The Hutt.

The Evidence: "It's nice to see that Jamie Lynn Spears has finally chinned up. All three of them. When asked for comment, she said, "Bring me Solo and the Wookiee. They will all suffer for this outrage!" Perhaps multiple chins are the true source of Jedi mind trick immunity."

The Sentence: A big heaping serving of placenta for breakfast, lunch and dinner, for the next nine months.


The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do

The Crime: Suggesting that creamy-skinned Liv Tyler is pasty and obese.

The Evidence: "Liv Tyler was in the Caribbean last week, possibly because she heard there was an island where pale fatties with hilariously small heads were revered as gods. Now she's all set." Liv Tyler is not fat and her skin is gorgeous. End of story.

The Sentence: Talk shit about someone clearly enjoying their vacation and you know what you get? Sunburn and diarrhea.

The Accused: Drunken Stepfather

The Crime: Baiting us. He knows what's wrong and offensive, what will really set us off, so now that's exactly what he writes. Plus he's trying to be my friend on Facebook now. Lots of you guys suggest we ignore him, but here's the thing: You may not even realize how much women get bashed, criticized and judged on the Web. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. A reminder — of how unfair, tired, shallow and systemically denigrating people can be is important. Why should we let him get away with being sexist and misogynistic without calling him out on it? Anyway.

The Evidence: "I am guilty of liking skinny chicks and appreciate any means a girl takes to get herself skinny. I am talking eating disorders, drug addiction, laxatives, extreme cardio, terminal illness, pretty much anything the world offers them to maintain their skinny bodies, because it takes some commitment, determination and it's a lot better seeing a girl frail from starving herself, than watching a girl sit on her fat ass eating donuts. Maybe I'm crazy."

The Sentence: We're still open to suggestions on this one. Thanks in advance.