Liv Tyler Is A "FatAss," Jessica Biel Is A "Dog," Lindsay Lohan Is A "Global Whore"

Illustration for article titled Liv Tyler Is A "FatAss," Jessica Biel Is A "Dog," Lindsay Lohan Is A "Global Whore"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors! This is where we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week, Liv Tyler is fat; Jessica Biel is a dog; Brooke Hogan is a yeti; and Jennifer Love Hewitt's body makes one blogger sigh, "Oh, dear." As usual, bloggers' continued degradation of female celebrity bodies and their corresponding punishments, after the jump. Let the Jezebel Justice system begin!


The Accused: Perez Hilton

The Crime: Busting on a woman's looks.

The Evidence:

"A very VERY Photoshopped Jessica Biel does the cover of the new Harper's Bazaar. She's definitely way too airbrushed! They did manage to make her look more feminine, though, and less like a dog. That's a good thing, we think. Although, we love a good dog!"

The Sentence: 90 days community service in an animal shelter; a 45 hour course in Lookism taught by Jezebel commenters.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?

The Crime: Poking fun at a woman's weight.

The Evidence:

"Um, okay Liv Tyler, we get it. You're fat. Enough already. You don't have to be eating 24 hours a day. You can lay out for an hour without food. I saw a set of pictures one time where she stopped at some deli and then ate the sandwich on the street on the way to some little sidewalk café. In other words, she stopped to get food on the way to get food. i don't have a dictionary in front of me, but I'm willing to bet that if you looked up "fatass", it would go a lot like that."

The Sentence: 60 days volunteering in a local eating disorder wing clinic.

The Accused: The Skinny

The Crime: Insinuating that a normal-sized actress looks disgusting.

The Evidence:

"Here are some new Jennifer Love Hewitt candids from yesterday. Oh dear. That's all I'm going to say."


Even worse? Some of the comments: "I wouldn't be happy if my legs looked like that," Harley writes. Katya adds: "She needs to loose 15+ pounds, you can see in her face she's not meant to weigh this much."

The Sentence: 6 months of intense therapy with a concentration on body dysmorphia issues.

The Accused: TMZ

The Crime: Objectificaton of women/female body parts.

The Evidence: Its great to see Ashley Tisdale, Mya and Cheryl Burke, but its better to see them go!. First of all, learn the difference between it;s and its. Second of all, don't you HATE that TMZ is now owned by megarich AOL?

The Sentence:

The Accused: Yeeeah!

The Crime: Mocking a woman's height.

The Evidence:

"Brooke Hogan is busy promoting her new VH1 reality show and upcoming album with a bunch of photos of her being "sexy." Kinda of like if you found a Yeti with big fake tits stomping around in the mountains and you put it in a bikini and told it to stick its finger in its mouth provocatively and "make love to the camera," only by "make love to the camera" you really meant "not paw at it or throw it on the ground and stomp on it with your big dumb Yeti feet." Sprinkling glitter on a turd doesn't make it not a turd, people. It's another reason not to flush."


The Sentence: Spending 12 hours in a room full of tall women who have been called yetis.

Drunken Stepfather Rant Of The Day:

Alicia Keys and her Thick Legs of The Day

"My wife told me i am getting fat and that when I walk, my tits bounced. I asked her if she's looked in the mirror over the last 5 years, because she's so fucking fat, she's got tits growing on the back of her fuckin' knees. She then told me that she was at a friend's house watching Oprah and they said that for every 30 pounds you lose, you gain an inch on your cock. That way when I fuck her, maybe I'll be able to make it past her labia and she'll feel something. I told he that her fat herpes ridden pussy is the last thing I want to make it into and that I am going to go out and try to gain another 60 pounds so that I don't even have a penis anymore because that's what she fucking does to me, she started to cry, but not as loud as Alicia Keys' piano stool, she looks heavy and I assume shit is reinforced, otherwise it'd be trying to kill itself by breaking in half. Here are some pics of her thick legs performing recently because you'll take what you can get."


The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay

The Crime: Calling a woman a whore.

The Evidence:

Lindsay Lohan Flashed Her Crotch Again

"Some fellow perv emailed these to us. These are supposedly Lindsay Lohan leaving a yacht party in Cannes two months ago. I have no reason to believe these aren't Lindsay, or her freckles, or her labia, because she's a global whore, and her random body part flashing knows no bounds."


The Sentence: Any suggestions?


Mama Penguino

@Mkp-hearts-nyc: This reminds me of a piece I read a long time ago about Rush Limbaugh. Someone had gone to dinner with him (some female lefty journalist type) and commented that in person, he was utterly charming and very kind-hearted and almost seemed embarrassed of his woman-hating ways on the radio/tv. Whenever I read the crap on this feature, I always imagine that if should some woman, some where, some time, some place, actually speak to one of these haters, they, too, would crumble in an instant. Didn't Tracie say she met Drunken Stepfather at the porn thing in Las Vegas and he was terrified she was going to take a picture of him? Imagine living in his vitriol-lined cave. In no way am I excusing because what a way to have your insecurities manifest themselves (obvs there's no self-esteem, no desire for betterment, no ability to rise above the fray and make something out of life). These guys are sadness personified. I hate them, but even worse, I pity the shit out of them.