I've been doing some scholarly research, and I noticed this thing that's been really dragging society down for the past few millennia: it's that everything is wrong with you. You are gross. First of all, your hair is gross, because it is not long and thick enough. But don't strap fake hair to your head! That's also gross! Also, what the fuck is up with your skin? It is so dry and scaly like a lizard (but not one of those sexy lizards)! Except uuuuuuugh, do you have to take so long putting on your idiotic woman-lotion? This penis isn't going to fondle itself! CHOP CHOP. Now, I know all this contradictory minutiae regarding your attractiveness can get confusing (especially with your lipstick-encrusted walnut brains!), but luckily, plenty of guys are generous enough to explain what they don't like about you in great detail. Over and over. You're welcome.
For your edification, the good folks over at Yahoo have compiled a list of the "15 Biggest Beauty Turnoffs from Real Guys"—yet another survey of "real guys" to reinforce the precise line of shit we women need to walk to remain attractive to them (it's the least we can do, really). Because that media trope never gets tired. Let's jump in!
If you are looking to attract a man with your fluffy false lashes and your flowing fake mane, it is time to take a different approach. We scouted the truth and discovered the things women do that make men turn the other way. All in all, men love to see the woman underneath the makeup, so ditch the dramatic routine and go natural for once.
First of all, I am neither an empty man-socket nor a fucking venus flytrap. I am not looking to "attract a man." I am just trying to do my stuff and then maybe meet a person who likes me because I am also a person. I didn't want to get all serious right off the bat, BUT SORRY: Women's grueling, lifelong, losing battle to transform themselves into magical, flawless creatures with Disney hair and 15-inch waists and massive ham-lips is not for the benefit of women. And when men say that they "love to see the woman underneath the makeup," they're not saying they want to see your leg stubble and greasy bangs—they're saying they want you to be better at hiding your maintenance routine. Because the maintenance spoils the fantasy.
"My wife spends 20 minutes after the shower putting on body lotion. Apparently it has to be applied evenly. For me, it is just a time suck." -R.D.S.
TICK TOCK, WIFE! QUIT SUCKING R.D.S.'S TIME AND START SUCKING SOMETHING ELSE.
"It gets on my nerves when women take too much time on makeup. You would think after a lifetime they would have the process down to less than 45 minutes!" -Christopher
Yeah, women! You're sooooo high-maintenance! To be clear, we definitely don't want you to stop painting that prettier face over your regular face every day—because gross—but could you just hurry it up? You're late for Christopher's blowjob.
"I can't stand when she has wet hair after the shower and lays on my pillow, I usually roll over on the wet spot." -Jeff
Okay, that one is legit rude. But "wet hair" is not solely a woman's domain. Fun fact: Dudes are also capable of becoming wet in a shower and then lying on a bed. Equality! Look at us go!
"If she has to be at work at 6am and uses the hair dryer, it wakes me up. Then, just when I get back to sleep. She is wearing her heels in the bathroom and the kitchen. Click. Click. Can't you wear slippers?" -Pablo
So don't have wet hair but don't use the hair dryer. Got it.
Also, definitely wear sexy heels (sensible flats are for lesbians, obv!), but don't walk in them. At least not when Pablo is sleeping. If you could just scoot yourself around on the carpet like a dog with butt-worms, and then put your heels on outside in the beauty bark, that would be ideal for Pablo. Thx.
"I don't like extensions because when you put your hands in her hair you can feel all the lumps. It might be good to look at but not to touch." -Robert
Jeez, all this hair stuff is confusing! So...don't have wet hair, don't have dry hair, don't have natural hair, don't have fake hair. GOT IT.
And, you know, Robert, when you teach women that they need to be objects to even qualify as women, then why are you surprised when they start to literally integrate with objects?
"I'm picky about oral hygiene - brushing, flossing, mouthwash. She has to brush her teeth before bed and in the morning before we kiss. That extra care once we reach a certain level of intimacy is important." -Rod
Have you tried Milk Bones?
"They don't put caps back on things or they put it on but they don't screw it on so when I go get something it spills." -Connor
Oh, for fuck's sake, Connor. Women don't put caps back on things!? This is a woman thing now? ARE YOU SURE THIS ISN'T A "CONNOR'S SISTER" THING? My boyfriend leaves his wet towel on the bed, but you don't see me e-mailing fucking Kirk Douglas and President Obama and Bobby Flay about it.
"Those thick eyelashes that women put on are annoying. It makes a woman stick out and people know that they aren't real. I like a woman who looks nice and natural. Regular people don't need all those eyelashes." -Lindsay
Regular people don't need all those eyelashes.
"My wife doesn't dye her hair often enough. I don't like to see those dark roots." -Anonymous
"I wish my girlfriend would get a manicure more often instead of doing it herself. She is pretty low-maintenance." -Shaun
First of all. I find it hard to believe that Shaun can even tell the difference between a salon manicure and an at-home manicure, unless his girlfriend has some sort of tremor-inducing palsy, or multitasks by combining nail maintenance with trampoline practice. Which means this whole thing is just about signaling—Shaun wants to be with the kind of woman who gets her nails done at a salon. Nevermind the fact that going out to get your nails done can eat up several hours a week (I presume he also wants his girlfriend to have a career and a social life and to take care of her family and do her taxes and maintain her home and feed herself and possibly sleep once in a while), and can cost hundreds of dollars a month (I also presume Shaun is not footing the bill).
And second of all, let's all just take a second to note that women have now been criticized for being high-maintenance, maintenance, and low-maintenance.
And third of all, MAYBE SHE JUST LIKES DOING HER NAILS BECAUSE IT'S FUN. Sometimes women get to make our own decisions and do things because those things make us happy.
I can't believe we're even still having this conversation, but dudes, LISTEN: Women's bodies, even ones into which you get to stick your penis, are not yours. Women have the right to be gross, to have hair, to be slow, to put on make-up, to not put on make-up, to wear fake eyelashes, to smell good or bad, and to be human beings. Women are not your dog our your lawn or your living room, you do not get to prune and groom and design us, and negotiating things like hygiene and style within a relationship is a matter of mutual respect. My right to do my own nails does not stop where your personal boner for trimmed cuticles begins.
Also, women: If you are single, it is not because your fake eyelashes are too bushy or Kevin doesn't like cucumber lotion. This shit is an oppressive waste of your time. Here's my new beauty tip for everyone on earth: Go read a book or something.