Lily Allen's "Lady Parts Are As Numb As Her Heart"

It's time for Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week? Pregnant still=Fat; women still=sluts, miscarriage="funny." The offenders and their sentences, after the jump. Let the Jezebel justice system begin!

The Accused: The person behind Hollywood Tuna.
The Crime: A mixture of misogyny, lookism, homophobia and stupidity.
The Evidence: "Anyway, even though Rihanna is in tight latex, I've lost my appreciation for her. Not because of her bad singing, but because this new hairdo makes her look like a dude." Well women should not be judged solely by their looks, obviously, but this is super dumb, because Rihanna is hot, end of story. Also, she doesn't give a shit about your "appreciation" for her.
The Sentence: A 50 decibel sound system blaring "Umbrella" outside this person's house for a week. Ella. Ella. Eh. Eh.


The Accused: Perez Hilton.
The Crime: Equating pregnancy with obesity.
The Evidence: "Even Her Lips Are Fat!" on a picture of Jessica Alba. (Our own Maria says, "Kettle? Pot?")
The Sentence: Maybe he should be sent to bed without any supper?

The Accused: A Socialite's Life.
The Crime: Accusing Jessica Alba of blowing kids in the schoolyard.
The Evidence: "Jessica Alba claims her sixth grade teacher and some of the PTA moms thought she was a "slut" because she had big boobs. My sympathy for her ass is nil because she radiates stank, but that was a judgmental school she went to. Was this the bible belt? Was Carrie's Mom the principal? "First the blood, then the boys come a'running like sniffin' dogs!" Aiiieeeeehhhh! "The accusation still ricochets... They think I'm a slut?," the burdened by gorgeousness Alba says in "If I'd Known Then" by Ellyn Spragins. Oh you're fine now. You have a money, and a baby on the way. Maybe you shouldn't have been giving oral behind the jungle gym, huh?"
The Sentence: Detention. Please write the following 3,000 times: "I will not make assumptions about the sexual proclivities of women whom I don't really know; in addition, I understand that there is a double standard in our society and that a young man with sexual experience gets called a mack while a sexually active young woman is referred to as a slut; it's beyond unfair and I will stop perpetuating such backward thinking."


The Accused: Drunken Stepfather, who desperately wants to be mentioned here, and actually emailed us this week: "I have nothing to do...and wanted to know if you wanna have a little cam sex? It'll be so hot....I am still wearin' my dress from my Ballroom Dance class where, I was phenomenal...what are you wearing?" None of us responded.
The Crime: Mocking Lily Allen's miscarriage.
The Evidence:

Abortions....really suck the life out of you, or was it a miscarriage. Whatever it was, it left her uncaring ass exposed. I guess her lady parts are as numb as her heart after losing what was to be her very own miracle, no I am not talking about the fact that such a hag could get laid in the first place, I'm talking the miracle of life from getting fucked from behind in a tour bus. It was the kind of mess she was probably used too, because men will fuck anything willing, and thought it would just drip down her leg, so she could just forget about it like all those other times, but instead some of it stuck and got her into this sad mess... All I can say is thank god for pantyhose, otherwise we'd be forced to see the mangled mess that her weight problem has done to her thighs.


This is not OK on many levels. Deep breath.
The Sentence: On one hand, something like forcing Inebriated Dorkfather to be sodomized by a hot poker sounds tempting. But on the other hand, two negatives don't make a positive. Here's hoping DS realizes that every time he tears a woman down, he's broadcasting his inability to connect in a decent, human way. He clearly suffers from dissociation, which he maybe uses as a defense mechanism to protect himself psychologically from overwhelming events, like talking to women. Or maybe he was abused as a child. So, yeah. The sentence is a good shrink and 20 mg of Celexa.

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