Levels of Intimacy: When to Burp, Fart & Poop in Front of Your Partner

Recently, we learned via study something we all suspected was true on some level: that the “average woman” waits a good four weeks before allowing a man she fancies to gaze upon her bare, makeup-free face for fear of scarring him with the knowledge that human eyes don’t come rimmed in kohl at birth. But this is only the tip of the relationship reveal iceberg that is the delicate dance of slowly unfolding truths which culminate in Actually Knowing Someone.

So how long until you can fart, poop onsite, or admit that you like Vienna sausages to someone you actually want to be with? Let’s figure this out. We need your help, though. Because in the lore of advice about how soon to come correct with the biological, emotional or biographical details of your actual existence, versus how long to continue an elaborate routine of smoke and mirrors about your thoughts, feelings, smells, and bodily functions until you can let your guard down — well, let’s just say there’s a lot of mixed messages out there. Or as my friend puts it, “I’d rather vomit blood than fart in front of someone.”

Let’s take it by DEFCON. We welcome your disagreements in the comments. (And yes, this is tongue-in-cheek. Always be yourself. Relentlessly.)

Level 5: Stepford Lady.

You’re a specimen of human perfection. Makeup is perfect, hair is clean, body is meticulously groomed, and all serious bodily functions will be happening elsewhere and never even so much as referenced. Also known as The First Part, there are few surprises in terms of biology that can safely materialize during this critical time when both parties must act as if they don’t need to piss, shit, fart, or blow their noses. All parties will, if they know what’s good for them, demonstrate the ability to chew food correctly and with good pacing, won’t drink too much and will be able to at least appear polished and put together for entire hours-long stretches, such as dinner and a movie.

Therefore, anything that isn’t exactly “gross” poses no real threat to the carefully cultivated image of hyper-groomed human-transcendent beauty you will are vibing.

• Coughs
• Sneezes
• Food on face
• Light eye crust
• Food in teeth
• Love for weed
• Light perspiration
• Zit + makeup
• Feet, but only well manicured.
• Existence of floss, toothbrush

Level 4: Human-ish.

The façade must crack eventually, and it begins slowly, with the willing admission that you are not, in fact, a walking Barbie. You need upkeep! You need maintenance! You don’t wake up looking like this! Moreover, you must eat and breathe to sustain yourself.

• Pee sounds
• Gnarly feet
• Moody expression of hunger
• Tendency to dabble in veganism
• Weird mole on your boob
• Bikini razor burn
• Sinus infection
• Eating food you just dropped down your bra
• Greasy hair
• Used floss
• Ability to get hooked easily on painkillers
• No makeup (You’re gonna have sex! And you can’t pull a Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids every time!)
• Puking

Level 3: Everybody Poops.

No one’s fleeing at the site of your earwax at this point, so feel free to loosen the corset of feminine performance and just do you. Well, a version of you still, but one ever closer to the you that you actually are.

• Weird pajamas
• Box of tampons
• Period-stained underwear
• Acknowledgment of “period outfit” while wearing
• Visible unsexy product use, such as, dandruff shampoo or acne meds
• General shower-related products
• Earwax-covered Q-tips
• Casual web history
• Pooping on-site
• Farts*

Level 2: For Sale: Embarrassing Life Facts.

This is you at the bow of the Titanic with the wind in your hair feeling free and alive, except the Titanic is that box of old feelings in haiku form you still keep from your emo phase. Gather round.

• Junior high poetry
• Existence of certain family members
• Weird mole on labia
• Admitting to constipation/diarrhea/bad gas
• STD history (cured)
• Vaginal wipes
• Toenail clippings
• Pube trimmings
• Wax strips
• Nose strips
• Spanx
• Face bra
• Recurring existential dread speech

Level 1: Nuclear Threat Imminent.

You dropped a bomb. Probably in the bathroom. Somebody loves ya, honey!

• Used tampon in the trash, on top, unwrapped, like a savage
• Period splashes in toilet
• High number of sexual partners*
• Hemorrhoid cream
• Clinical examination of genitals in fluorescent light (such as to remove a tick)
• Explosive diarrhea

*Highly debatable, highly individual, highly subjective.

P.S. Thanks to the crowd-sourced wisdom of restraint from @ashspurge and @anb722.