Les Mis Is Headed Back to Broadway Because How Else Will They Sell Tickets

In a desperate bid to get people to buy tickets for something — please, God, anything — Broadway is planning the triumphant return of Les Misérables in 2014. You’ve heard of Les Misérables, right? It’s the musical that they based that movie starring Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway on. You like musicals, don’t you? And Hugh Jackman? You went and saw that movie and loved it and now you’ll buy tickets to the show, right? RIGHT? PLEASE? RIGHT?

Broadway.com has announced that Les Mis will open at one of the Shubert-owned theaters and will be “newly-imagined,” which, in this case, probably means that the actors will wear their own clothes and there will be no sets — no, not because Broadway is broke or anything, but because it’s modern and minimalist. But — hey, while we’re at it — do you happen to have $20? Raúl Esparza left his wallet at his home — a home which is definitely not that box you just passed in the fire escape back there — and a couple extra bones would really help him out.

Cameron Mackintosh, the original producer of Les Mis commented:

“To my constant surprise, my productions continue to be enjoyed as much as ever by audiences all around the world and I’m thrilled to have the unique chance of redoing them all over as if they were brand new shows. I am delighted that Broadway audiences will now join the millions of Americans who have already flocked to see this glorious new staging and spectacular re-imagined scenery inspired by the paintings of Victor Hugo.”

“Lunch,” he then whispered, pointing to a nearby pigeon through his fingerless gloves. “Seriously, though,” he shouted as he dashed off after the bird, leaving behind his bindle. “Broadway is doing fine!”