Legendary Watergate Reporter Wonders: Is Britney Spears Taking The Nation's IQ Down With Her?

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OMG the news is awesome today! It started when Carl Bernstein of Woodward & Bernstein i.e. Dustin Hoffman from that movie with Robert Redford, said something like celebrity culture had made everyone in America totally braindead (and also stupid!) and well, it carried on from there. We've got pothead CEOs, crackhead Chuck Krauthammer, drug laws, English teachers in Japan, Spanish speakers in America; LOADS of fun folks. Without further adozzle, y'all!


JEZEBELMOE: So today Choire sent this AP photo of Britney Spears from the AP website with a caption that said simply, "A 4-year-old can learn a lot from this woman." I think that says a little about The Bar: how low it is for folks like us. Which is a good thing because I am HUNGOVER.
LOBBYIST: Dude, I am also not fucking well this morning. I love how Carl is all like "idiot culture" is to blame! I mean, it's really just Schadenfreude because we all like feeling less idiotic by watching.
JEZEBELMOE: So let's get started. Is there any more news on the State Department guys refusing to go to Iraq because, hello, ?!&$#% #, THEY NEVER WANTED TO GO TO IRAQ. IRAQ MADE A MOCKERY OF THE WHOLE NOTION OF DIPLOMACY. EVERYTHING THOSE PEOPLE HAVE EVER ACTUALLY SINCERELY BELIEVED IN GOT DEFECATED ALL OVER BY THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION $%## or are they just being poor/treasonous sports?
LOBBYIST: or, you know, not wanting to die? that's also really important to some people. I mean, they didn't join the military...
JEZEBELMOE: Well yeah there's that.
LOBBYIST: I mean, it's actually funny because my impression of most people at State is that a ton of them are gung-ho to go to the scary places because that's where they can make a difference...
only, maybe they all just know they can't in Iraq and living conditions suck and they won't see the outside of the embassy compound for 2 years?
JEZEBELMOE: So did you read the Wall Street Journal page 1 story about that hospital that, thanks to the end of socialized medicine, is giving out really radical brain surgeries to people with minor mental illnesses that we'd maybe treat with a couple dozen SSRIs here?
9:19 AM LOBBYIST: So, is this what we're all in for because everyone hates the pharma companies? Less pharmaceuticals, more lobotomies?
Because I'd rather pay out of the ass for my drugs, thanks.
JEZEBELMOE: No, this is what happens when CAPITALISM eclipses DEMOCRACY
which is to say when China takes over the world!
LOBBYIST: Oh, well, that.
JEZEBELMOE: Did you ever hear that NPR thing on the guy whose father made him get a lobotomy or something? And he was mad about it? Or something like that? I've always wanted to meet someone who had gotten a lobotomy. The neighbors down the street totally had a bomb shelter with oxygen tanks when I was a little kid and I always thought it was the coolest thing in the world. And also really creepy.
LOBBYIST: Can you get mad if you had a lobotomy? Isn't that the point of one? So, like, you could read the papers and just go, oh, well, another 10,000 people died today, I think I'll have another cup of coffee?
I mean, if you prefer that to hangovers or drugs.
JEZEBELMOE: Ooooh, so celebrity culture has lobotomized everyone is what you're saying? Which is convenient since China is going to TAKE OVER EVERYTHING. Although hey, another good economic indicator! Payrolls. "payrolls" always seem to be non-farm payrolls. I always wondered what the farm payrolls were like, although I think most farming is done my machines and undocumented untouchable type workers these days. Um... wait also, I thought no one was more difficult to understand than Maureen Dowd. TRY READING CHARLES KRAUTHAMMER WTF

"But the father-son connection is nothing compared to husband-wife. The relationship between a father and an adult son is psychological and abstract; the connection between husband and wife, concrete and quotidian. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.

LOBBYIST: Ouch. My head hurts. Also, wasn't in Juan PERON?
LOBBYIST: Speaking of headaches, someone finally thought to ask why no Democrat presidential candidate is talking about immigration....
9:32 AM JEZEBELMOE: Hahahaha I know. I can't believe it took that OMG HUGE HILLARY FLUB. I mean, this is a really big issue out there for the electorate that is now going back into mining and shit. And to make matters even worse, it turns out going to Japan to teach English and snowboard for a few years is no longer an option. I say we ban technology.
LOBBYIST: Dude, the founder of that company had a jacuzzi and a bed in his office! That's fucking awesome. I want those in my office, so I can chill and take naps and shit, but I'll bet he screwed it up and used it for sex. Sooo like a man.
Hey, did you see our government did something smart? Of course, it was over the objections of DOJ, but they evened up sentencing guidelines for crack to make them more equitable with coke.
JEZEBELMOE: OMG GREAT MINDS. I was just thinking about victimless crimes. But um, ha ha, then I remembered yesterday's WSJ story about the 73-year-old Bear Stearns CEO who SMOKED POT THE WHOLE TIME HIS COMPANY WAS TANKING... I wonder if you're better off with a cokehead or a pothead for a boss.. SO GLAD IT'S FRIDAY.


Jenna Sauers

Did you know that in Switzerland, every house has to have a fallout shelter? There are laws that dictate the thickness of the concrete-and-lead walls, the size of the shelter relative to the size of the house, etc. Shelters basically double the building cost for any new home. Most people use them to store things like wine and salami, since they're basically big, fancy cellars.