Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Lawyers Confirm "Slam Piece" Is The New "Fuck Buddy"

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Apparently, it's "a friend you use exclusively for sex" and "the term is popular in Canada." Also, apparently, it's something certain Big Law Bros are interested in attracting.

Writing into Above the Law on the 18th, one self-described bro of the legal persuasion queried, "Aside from casual references to "models and bottles" you don't seem interested in actually helping dudes who want to find pretty, young, not-too-intelligent slam pieces "on the reg. – What About Us?"

If you're expecting a smackdown, look elsewhere. Here's what the blog responds:

Not every lawyer-groupie is a venereal infection waiting to happen. Sure, you have your gold diggers who will just glom on to anyone who rocks a money clip, but...looking for those girls is a bit dangerous. Instead, there are two other types of women who are perfectly designed to bounce from prestigious bro to prestigious bro without trying to trap your wallet in a maternity ward.

They are: the ladies of low self-esteem, and chicks with daddy issues. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of women who have a preference for lawyers for legitimate reasons - it's just that these women usually don't qualify as the vapid "slam pieces" some guys are looking for.

Girls with daddy issues are the natural companions for sexually promiscuous lawyers. The legal profession practically screams "safety," "security," and "respect," all things that they wish their dads had provided. Add in the lawyer's penchant for brooding alcoholism and detached emotional awareness, and those girls are powerless against a properly presented "lawyer bro." If you can't convince a woman with daddy issues to share your bed, you need to practice shooting fish in a barrel and keep working on your game.

Low self-esteem women are of course God's gift to bros everywhere. But that's kind of a problem: every guy is already trying to get with them, and you might find yourself waiting in a long line to take a shot at the hottie with no self-confidence.

But, unlike most guys these women date, lawyers can at least pretend to be decent human beings. Lawyers are good at responding to emails, arguing with words instead of fists, and cleaning up well enough to not make her embarrassed in front of her girlfriends who happen to have a backbone. You might be just as much of an asshole as the truck-stop wifebeater she just finished dating, but you'll do a better job at hiding that "compelling" part of your personality. At least until bedtime.

Top bros have all the skills of a dire wolf. Why take on the alpha female when you can separate the weakest and the slowest from the pack? That's the game, and it's really not that hard to play if you know what you're doing.


Charming, no? Way to overturn those douchy-lawyer stereotypes. And it seems we weren't the only ones underwhelmed with the exchange. Writing on Sweet Hot Justice, "Legal Tease" rebuts,

I hate to break it to you boys, but a young, hot, genuine grade-A "slam piece" (i.e., one trained in NY or LA) views a male lawyer with about as much interest as she views the Barney's Warehouse Sale: It beats shopping at Target, but it's still mostly hideous, mildly shameful, and a far cry from the real thing.

And this, guys, is why you have more in common with lady lawyers than you thought….

For years, women lawyers have been presumptively dismissed - mostly by you - as hideous beast-looking mole people, unloveably argumentative shrews, or emasculating wage-toppers. But that sword that you're so quick to whip out to shred us to pieces with cuts both ways, boys. The existence of a penis doesn't change the fact that you're still a lawyer. You still work until midnight every night. You still live your life in billable six-minute increments. You still spend your days doing the work no one else wants to do. Yes, you may occasionally be invited to sit at the big table, but it's only to make sure that the guy who owns the big table doesn't accidentally set it on fire. You're not one of the Masters of the Universe; you just work for them.

And this, of course, is the real reason why premium slam pieces don't want Biglaw Bros: Slam pieces don't date the staff. They date the boss. And even if you're a partner at Cravath, you're still just a glorified butt boy for some 31-year-old managing director or CEO. Sure, you might be making a million bucks a year (maybe two!), but when it comes to the top slam pieces, that's the floor, not the ceiling. As a very wise man once never said: "A million dollars isn't cool. You know what's cool? A billion dollars." And why would you expect a top slam piece to settle for anything less?

Think about it: You're a 22-year-old girl. You're stunning. You have a body like a photoshopped Greek statue and a brain to match. You've decided, because you have either so little or so much self-worth, that your best shot at "success" is to dig some gold and become an occasional accessory-cum-trampoline for the highest roller you can find. You know that the clock's working against you on this one. So, why would you give up your most valuable, most precious, pre-Botox years for some bloated billable-hour jockey who barely pulls in six figures working 20 hours a day looking for typos in some boring contract that's going to make his i-banker clients more money in 30 seconds than he'll ever see in his lifetime?


She adds that, '"lawyer groupie' is nothing more than a myth made up by male lawyers to give them hope that any collection of civilian 'groupies' would find them sexually appealing."

Well, we'd have added that this entire construct is, while almost beneath notice, that there are just a few things wrong with this level of offensive objectification, that "slam piece" really needs to be excised from the lexicon and has an odd WWF air to it, and that, oh yeah both you and the ATL dude are douches par excellence which is really your bigger problem, but sure. Apparently the gold-diggers don't want you either. However, while you might not need too much help in the asshole department, may we suggest you consult the following guru? Exploiting emotionally-vulnerable women: equal opportunity, it would seem. And always hilarious!


Pls Hndle Thx: BroTips [Above The Law]
BigLaw Bros: Why Slam Pieces Don't Want You [Sweet Hot Justice]