Okay, first of all, I actually really really like Lauren Conrad. I think she seems like a genuinely nice (if harmlessly shallow and sometimes clueless) human being. But second of all, this fucking video—in which LC, published author, informs acolytes that "a great way to display books" is to completely destroy all books—is the funniest thing I have seen IN ALL OF 2012. I laughed so hard that a vase fell over (real talk). And so did the rest of the internet. And so, maybe hoping to limit her tenure as the international anti-intellectual laughingstock du jour, LC pulled the video from her website and YouTube. So far nobody has been able to get a comment out of Conrad or her people. But someone did get a comment from Lemony Snicket, whose books—A Series of Unfortunate Events—LC is seen sedately butchering like a fucking serial killer in her video. Snickety said:
It has always been my belief that people who spend too much time with my work end up as lost souls, drained of reason, who lead lives of raving emptiness and occasional lunatic violence. What a relief it is to see this documented.
TOUCHE. Don't worry, LC. We all get made fun of on the internet from time to time. This too shall pass. (Next you should make a video where you show how to make a shiny bib necklace out of an iPad using only a drill, an iPad, and some string!) [Slate]
I didn't wake up today thinking I'd get to hear a professional wrestler decrying rape jokes, but here we go! Apparently last week Vince McMahon fired wrestler Abraham Washington after the latter made a Kobe Bryant rape joke on live TV (he said a fellow wrestler was "like Kobe Bryant at a hotel in Colorado ... he's unstoppable"). And WWE champ CM Punk thinks that's just great: "I don't like to see anybody lose their job, but if anybody's justified getting fired, you know...making fun of rape...I don't think it's funny." That's the most overtly feminist statement I've heard come out of an overtly macho subculture in a long time. It's unsettling to feel so many love-feelings while watching a TMZ video. I don't know who I am anymore. [TMZ]
Bachelor host Chris Harrison isn't sure Ryan Lochte would be suitable for the next round of the series, because of Lochte's penchant for forcing unwitting bystanders to soak in his hot, pungent urine.
Apparently he told [Ryan] Seacrest he pees in the pool every time he gets in. You can't pee in the hot tub - that's not hot! That's not sexy.
He'd be a great bachelor. Well, didn't he tell his mom, or his mom said he does a lot of one-night stands or something? I'll make an honest man out of him!
Uuuuuugh to both of you and the entire Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise and all dating shows and ABC and the sport of swimming by association and urine itself because it's urine. Just go be somewhere else. I can't be hate-showering nine times a day. I've got shit to do. [DigitalSpy]
Freida Pinto went to Sierra Leone to empower girls and it was awesome:
Educate and empower a girl and she will help build a stronger community. Ask them what their dreams are and they will…tell you that they want to be accountants, doctors, journalists, politicians-but only after they say that they dream of a place that is rid of gender inequality.
Pinto is Global Brand Ambassador for the awkwardly named Because I Am a Girl Campaign. [E!]
Miley Cyrus's FUCKING HAIRCUT IS STILL HAPPENING. Liam Hemsworth offers this ringing endorsement: "It's great." [E!]
- Justin Theroux rode around on a Ducati, "[proving] he's hot enough to marry Jennifer Aniston!" Because yes. We have rules about this. [E!]
- Joe Jonas totally has no hard feelings and isn't jealous of ex Demi Lovato's job on the X Factor—in fact, he thinks "it's good for her" since she has so many "problems." [E!]
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt says he wasn't even allowed to pet the dog in Beethoven!!! (He was, however, allowed unlimited petting of Charles Grodin.) [PopWatch]
- Kelly Osbourne fell down and got a swollen foot. [E!]
- Jenny McCarthy and her boyfriend Brian Urlacher broke up. Here's the best break-up statement ever: "Brian and I have decided to turn our romance into an amazing friendship. I will continue to be the biggest cheerleader for him. Go, Bears!" Wooooo!!!!! P! E! N-I-S! Get that thing! Away from my fehs!!! (Best I could do on the fly, sorry.) [E!]
- Jenna Jameson pled guilty to DUI charges stemming from an accident in May, in which she blew a .13 and had prescription drugs in her system (she was also driving without a license). She's been sentenced to three years probation and has to go get yelled at by MADD for three months. [TMZ]
- David Cronenberg thinks The Dark Knight Rises is hella stupid—"It's still Batman running around in a stupid cape." [PopWatch]
- J.J. Abrams thinks movie budgets are hella stupid—"It is preposterous and embarrassing that movies cost what they do." [DigitalSpy]
- Can we please stop making fun of Jackie Stallone? [Radar]
- Robert Pattinson was photographed with his fly down while attending some sort of Dennis the Menace Costume Convention. [DigitalSpy]
- Macaulay Culkin went to 7-Eleven looking less borderline-dead than last time, so now everyone feels bad for calling him a heroin addict. [E!]
- Vanessa Lachey needs help figuring out what to wear when she delivers her baby. QUICK—WHAT GOES WITH AFTERBIRTH!? [People]