Wishing people a Happy Birthday on social media is sort of a cop out: a way to spread tidings of good cheer without having to pull aside a waitress to request a secret birthday tiramisu to arrive at the table after dinner, or even go to a group dinner and figure out how to split the bill 8 ways to begin with.
And, who knows—the dynamics of the Kardashian family seem pretty...complex—but Rob, who turned 28 a few days ago, doesn't seem to be happy with Kim, "the bitch from Gone Girl,,," as evidenced by this somewhat gory image/analogy he shared to Instagram a few hours ago:
So...yeah. Kind of don't want to know what that's about.
Jennifer Lawrence doesn't (necessarily) want to bang Bradley Cooper, but she will possibly split a burger and fries with him (or maybe order her own portion, 'cause she seems like the kind of chick who wouldn't want to share but in a good, eating-all-the-food-is-healthy way), because the duo, collectively, make up "two of the biggest eaters in Hollywood." [POPSUGAR]
But on to a couple that actually existed off-screen, once upon a time: Jason Derulo and Jordin Sparks. Derulo tells E! he's dating again, and that, specifically, he wants a woman who is "kind like me," and that "beautiful comes in all shapes and sizes." Which is why he unveiled the launch of his new music video on Tinder, where all the nice girls are. [E!]
•Beyoncé "Knows What She Likes" Knowles-Carter is making an undoubtedly baller pair of shoes with footwear god Giuseppe Zannoti. (Bonus points if a pint-sized pair is created for Blue Ivy.) [Us Weekly]
•Drake is cueing up some jams for Sotheby's, because that's automatically what comes to mind when you think of auction houses and hip-hop. [Time]
•Rihanna didn't wear a bra to dinner because who has time for that bullshit? [Just Jared]
•John Legend thinks the lines between Blurred Lines might be a bit blurrier than your average blurry. [Essence]
•And, it seems, he doesn't really mind that some paparazzo got access to nude pics of Chrissy Teigen. [Just Jared]
•Kylie Minogue is breaking up with Jay Z [The Guardian]
•Britney Spears snapped a pic with Ed O'Neill, ICYWW. [Us Weekly]
•Earl Sweatshirt's new album wasn't supposed to release until tomorrow but someone at his album fucked up. [LA Times]
•J. Cole closes out this evening's Dirt Bag, as well as SXSW. [Yahoo!]
Images via Getty and AP