Kesha On Her Eating Disorder: 'I Went to a Dark Place'

Kesha has been pretty open about her struggle with an eating disorder that led to a stint in rehab. These days, she’s doing better but says it’s still a daily battle.

In an interview with Vogue this week, Kesha broke down how difficult it is dealing with both the eating disorder and the emotions behind it:

“I’ve had a lot of ups and downs. It’s been quite a journey. [With the criticism], I went to a dark place. There was a lot of not eating—and I started to think being hungry to the point of feeling almost faint was a positive thing. The worse it got, the more positive feedback I was getting. Inside I was really unhappy, but outside, people were like, ‘Wow, you look great.’”

Kesha also talked about the pain of keeping up appearances:

“I was singing these songs like “We R Who We R,” and I really believed them. I wanted to be genuine. But I was sad and [I wasn’t eating]. That’s not good for your body, metabolism, or brain. I talked to my therapist, and she said, ‘I think it’s time we take a moment to address this.’ I called my mom one night and I told her, ‘I need help.’ I went to an eating-disorder specific rehab site where a nutritionist taught me that food is a positive thing for your body. I realized being healthy is the most important thing I can do for myself. Now, I’m trying to embrace the skin I’m in. It’s difficult sometimes. Every day I have to look in the mirror and make the choice to be kind to myself. This is who I am—I have to love that.”

And why she tries to avoid the internet:

“Part of being healthy is being positive. I don’t pay attention to the Internet or bloggers. I surround myself with positive people. I run a few miles on the beach every day, and I got into Transcendental Meditation to try to find some peace in my crazy life. [It reminds me] to be grateful for where I am, for my body, and my face—as imperfect as any of it may be.”

Thankfully, Kesha has changed a lot of her old, damaging habits for the better. There’s also this:

“Before I went on stage I used to pour beer on my body [as an adhesive] then roll in a bathtub full of glitter. I don’t do that anymore because it irritated my skin.”