Kate Middleton Brutally Kills a Zillion Dumb Baby Weight Loss Articles

Ever since Kate Middleton gave birth to Baby King George this July, tabloid writers have been eagerly sharpening their cattiest claws in preparation for snarking on the Royal’s post-baby body. Kate even rhymes with WEIGHT, you guys! And her last name contains the word “TON!” THIS WILL BE THE MEANEST POST-BABY COVERAGE EVER!

Lucky for you, me, Kate Middleton, and every decent person who regularly consumes news, the deluge of Kate Middleton Struggles With Her Weight never came.

Sure, there’s this breathless, incredibly long-winded account of the birth of the Baby King in next month’s Vanity Fair (TL;DR: Kate was nervous and William was excited and the family was excited and she had a baby in a hospital and afterward Kate was like, IDGAF about my post birth bump so I’m going to wear this blue dress YOLO. Relatives visited. Diapers were changed. Harry said some stuff that kind of makes you want to have sex with him. Everyone is doing great, just great!). And undoubtedly George’s upcoming christening will incite another mini clusterfuck of news about a baby who, ultimately, is just one of seven billion humans.

But that’s not to say that some pieces on Kate’s body don’t convey a slightly disappointed, slightly confused vibe. This piece from about a month ago sounds somewhat confused about the fact that Middleton didn’t kill herself with horror workouts during or after pregnancy. All she did was walk around, apparently?! And have the sort of bodily constitution that doesn’t tend to hold onto weight? This article marvels that Kate has “hardly done anything” to lose weight since the birth of her son. So does this article. How can a woman who didn’t adequately punish herself by daring to gain weight during pregnancy possibly top a recent poll on the most desirable celebrity physiques among women in the UK? IT DEFIES THE FEMALE CELEBRITY MEDIA SHAME CYCLE!

But don’t worry; there are plenty of ways the media can still be a dick about the bodies of women who have chosen to have babies — here’s a great piece that uses Kate’s relative ease in maintaining a constant body weight with Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy weight gain. How dare you make me defend Kim Kardashian, Hollywood Life? How dare you?