June Glamour: A Hot Pink Journey Into The Heart Of Darkness

Don’t let serial romantic comedy star Renée Zellweger fool you. The June Glamour is a complex psychological thriller that preys upon readers’ deepest fears.

We thought we’d figured out all of the magazine’s mind games, but this month’s Glamour demanded its readers expose their dirtiest secrets, from what they do once they shut the bathroom door to a woman’s sex dream about a naked Barack Obama giving her a full body massage (her dad walks in before things get too randy). The mag plants new fears about what boyfriends do when women aren’t around (apparently if one of our dude’s best friends is gay, our beau is only a six-pack from letting his friend go down on him). As for our bodies, we’re not sure if we should exercise and Spanx them into submission or not. On one page, the editors recommend disguising our flaws to instantly lose 10 pounds and frantically exercising our bellies away before the start of bikini season. Then, we learn that guys hate it when you lie to them about your figure by wearing padded bras and Spanx, and an editorial recommends that we “feel great about your body this summer” because the average bathing suit size in America is 14. The only thing we know for sure is that if you’re looking for some light beach reading, this month’s issue is a definite “don’t.”